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I took a great photo of a cat once. After seeing it, I wondered why it turned out so nice while nearly all of the other photos I’ve ever taken resemble the work of a moderately trained chimpanzee.

After reading a few nature photography books and studying them a bit, I have an idea as to why this photo worked a lot better than my others.

Admittedly, it’s not perfect; for instance, the grass at the very bottom of the photo is not in focus and one of the things I learned by reading all these photography books is that anything in the absolute foreground (the area nearest the camera) MUST be in focus. So, take points off for that, as well as a few other minor things.

But, I also got a few things right. Below is a list of what I think are the six most important aspects of cat photography.

The cat in the photo is Mr. Moo and he belongs to my mom. I got this shot late one afternoon while he was lying in the grass.

• Get the cat tuckered out. The first thing you will need to do is play with the cat. Get one of those feather-thingys on a stick and really work it over. The reason you do this is to wear it out enough to sit still, otherwise every time you get the camera set to fire, the cat will attempt to walk over and love you up thus ruining the shot.
• Make sure the lighting is coming from the side. This is so the photograph will render with greater depth. Lighting coming directly at the animal’s face will tend to flatten out the image.
• Place the camera at eye-level with the cat. It’s what the pros do; if you don’t believe me, go look through a nature photography book.
• Hold a squeak-toy over the camera. Squeak it just before the shot so the cat will look directly into the camera.
• Hold your breath as you pull the trigger. The less you move, the sharper the image will be. If at all possible, use a tripod.
• Take several shots. Cats are notorious for turning their heads just as you snap the picture. Sometimes you won’t even notice until the cat is long gone.

So, that’s my take on cat photography. Hopefully, you learned something useful (even though I am in no way a professional photographer–just some knucklehead that likes taking photos of cats).

The rumors are true. Taco Bell’s Volcano Taco—the fast-food industry’s spiciest legal-taco—has officially been discontinued.

Why, Taco Bell, why?

This is especially devastating news for me. Not only did I develop a hard addiction to these things, but I was just about to make the Volcano Taco the official taco of Dead Rooster dot com.

Sure, the first few times you eat one it’s possible to experience a “bad trip” involving some mild hallucinations and unwanted side effects, but once you’ve built up a healthy tolerance, they seem relatively harmless.

So what if a few people complain of emergency-room-style cramps in their lower intestines and refuse to buy them anymore; is that any reason to ruin it for the rest of us?

There have been no reports of permanent brain damage either…right?

And, even though I warned in a previous post that it might not be safe to mix Volcano Tacos with other chemically incompatible foods such as chocolate chip cookies, you would have to admit that even an imbecile would learn after only one or two restroom-related episodes that such a mixture is not a good idea.

Please, Taco Bell, bring them back!

A Final Plea to keep Lava Sauce on the Menu

If nothing else, please consider keeping Lava Sauce on the menu. I have a suspicion that the only real difference between a “volcano” taco and a “regular” taco is the fancy red corn shell and the incredibly spicy, cheesy yellow sauce. If you don’t agree to at least keep the sauce on the menu, I’ll be tempted to try and duplicate it in my own kitchen which—unintentionally and without warning—could threaten my entire neighborhood with periodic explosions featuring stinky cheese gas.

A small portion of humanity rests in your hands.

Photo credit: WildPhotons
Are California hiking trails teeming with mountain lions?

The weather is finally cooling down to acceptable levels in Southern California’s wine country. That means, instead of staying indoors running the air-conditioner and writing angry letters to The Cartoon Channel protesting their ever-increasing lineup of Japanimation, I can actually go outside and frolic with nature.

Hiking the hills surrounding my house is how I like to express this frolicking. Out on the trail I’ve seen deer, bobcats, coyotes, fox, squirrels, rabbits, tarantulas, lizards, snakes, frogs, fancy-style woodpeckers and a cornucopia of very interesting, but often bloodthirsty insects.

We also have mountain lions. Although I have never seen one myself, I know that they’re out there because there is an alarming sign at the trailhead warning of the extreme mauling you could experience if you were to ignore the correct procedures for dealing with mountain lion encounters.

For instance, the sign lists ideas like, “Do not panic.” See, that’s just the OPPOSITE strategy I would have tried. Another one that, to me, seems counterintuitive is “Do not run.” But, the sign also says that if you confront a mountain lion you should “remain in an upright position,” and, I have to admit, I probably would have gotten that one right.

The most frightening piece of information of all, though, is at the very bottom of the sign where it says, “If the lion attacks, fight back!”

Ya think? The only other option I can think of is to stand there and let it eat you.

How would one go about fighting a mountain lion anyway? Pull its whiskers? I saw a cartoon once where a mouse stretched-out a lion’s whiskers and played them like guitar strings. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure a stunt like that would not only increase the intensity of the attack, but also do very little to protect your face from being clawed off and handed back to you in a kitty-bag.

In reality, mountain lions are extremely elusive and typically avoid people. Since 1890 there have only been 16 verified mountain lion attacks in California. Although estimates put the mountain lion population in California between 4,000 and 6,000 statewide, they are rarely seen, especially out on the hiking trails where people are.

So, I’m going to start my daily hikes again and not worry about coming face to face with a mountain lion. Besides, I’ve had to defend myself against nature before, like the time I toiled with the majestic mosquito…