Volcano Tacos: The Active Ingredient in the 100-Yard Dash
I am a virtual encyclopedia of useless information. I can carry on a conversation about almost any subject. However, there are two things I know almost nothing about. One of which is electronics. I understand the physics of electricity—atoms, electrons, protons and such—but not how the various components in an electrical device such as a television work. I always figured it was some form of witchcraft.
The other subject I know nothing about is chemistry, which is why I can’t explain what happened in my stomach yesterday when I ate two of Taco Bell’s Volcano Tacos. I’m pretty sure, though, it had nothing to do with electronics.
For the past four or five years, I’ve been really good about avoiding junk food. Oh, I’ve splurged here and there, but nothing serious. But, recently, I saw a commercial promoting Taco Bell’s new Volcano Taco. Seasoned beef, lettuce, cheese, topped-off with a cheesy-spicy yellow volcano sauce and stuffed in an elaborate red tortilla shell.
How could I resist?
For the record, I believe that, by themselves, Volcano Tacos are not only harmless, but extremely tasty. It’s when you do what I did right after I ate them that ignited what some might describe as an episode bordering on science fiction.
Across the street from the Taco Bell restaurant where I purchased and ate two of the tacos is one of my favorite places: Barnes & Noble. Since I was so close, there was no way I was going to drive away without stopping in. Unfortunately, I entered through the door that passes by the built-in Starbucks.
Now, when people think of Starbucks, they usually think of coffee; but, Starbucks also sells treats radiating with sugar, such as giant chocolate chip cookies featuring happy-faces spelled out in M & M’s.
Write this down: Do not mix giant chocolate chip cookies—even the kind that smile at you—with Volcano Tacos.
After scarfing down one of the tremendous cookies, which are roughly the same diameter as a motorcycle helmet, I began perusing the bookshelves. I meandered throughout the massive store for about twenty minutes before one of the cookie molecules began teasing one of the taco molecules and eventually they went to war in my stomach.
It began quietly, like a couple of ducklings paddling around a still pond, but quickly it escalated into to a hard churn, like a hot water bottle being squeezed back and forth. At first, I giggled because, although I could feel the contents of my stomach liquefying and moving around, it didn’t seem all that dangerous. In fact, it kind of tickled.
But, then my stomach lurched and orchestrated an alarming noise: oing-oing-oing-oingoingoingoing… A nearby woman looked up from her book and stared at me as though I had just pulled the pin on a live grenade.
I felt my bowels loosen and the blood drain from my face.
I had been in that particular store many times and knew right where the restrooms were; unfortunately, they were way on the other side of the building and I didn’t have much time before…well, the volcano erupted (if you know what I mean).
There’s a scene in the Wizard of Oz in which the hero’s are standing before the angry, flaming visage of the Great-and-Powerful Oz. The Cowardly lion, trembling in his fluff, can take no more and finally freaks out. He runs through a shiny corridor of the Emerald Palace while power-pumping his arms and legs more furiously than any man or beast ever caught on film.
I ran like that Cowardly Lion all the way to the restroom where I headed straight for the handicapped stall with the sturdy handrails.
The rest is kind of a blur, but I do remember walking ballerina-tip-toe style all the way to my car in the parking lot.
I’m not sure if having a keen sense of chemistry would have prevented this episode from happening, but can’t some electronic genius invent a food scanner that warns against incompatibilities? Volcano Tacos with Chocolate Chip Cookies: Do Not Eat!
Update 10/28/2008: Taco Bell’s Volcano Taco has been discontinued! Noooo!
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I am pretty certain that if a food has the name “volcano” in it, you should avoid eating it. Like, for example, if my cat food can had “Chicken Volcano” on the label, I would not eat it. Well, I would only eat SOME of it. Okay. I would still eat it all up. Never mind.
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William McCamment
reply on October 9th, 2008 5:55 am:
Now that you mention it, I think maybe my cats are secretly eating volcano oriented foods; they are constantly running through the house.
And, I thought they were just trying to harass me.
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Maybe they should feed this combo to sprinters, and as an added incentive, the first one to the finish line gets the closest porta-potty. :p
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William McCamment
reply on October 9th, 2008 5:56 am:
Or, how about: the first one to the finish line gets the ONLY porta-potty?
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This will be all the rage then with the folks that enjoy colonics.
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William McCamment
reply on October 9th, 2008 7:26 am:
If lines of people holding chocolate chip cookies begin forming outside of Taco Bell restaurants, I’ll know I’ve started a new trend.
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You asked for the “fire” sauce too didnt you?
This is a wonderful visual by the way (still giggling)
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William McCamment
reply on October 9th, 2008 10:11 am:
lOL! You know me too well–fire sauce is crucial! Having said that though, these tacos come with a VERY spicy volcano sauce that is pretty darn good all by itself.
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Sounds like you’ve just invented the most effective constipation cure known to man!
I’m sure the Nobel Award panel will be writing to you soon.
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William McCamment
reply on October 9th, 2008 10:13 am:
“…and, now, for the Nobel Prize in the area of inducing diarrhea…”
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I was wondering about those tacos. I love spicy and about 2x a year get the craving for taco bell, I’ll know what NOT to have for desert. Thanks
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William McCamment
reply on October 9th, 2008 8:06 pm:
They are delicious–you’ll love ‘em. I’m going to give myself a couple of days, then I’m going to get some more–only this time, NO COOKIES!
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Hahahahaha! I feel ya man. I went to Don Jose’s (great Mexican food) and then hit the stores later. I ended up buckled over in housewares holding my stomach with one hand and using the other for stabilization.
The part where the stomach is loader than the ‘clean up on aisle 4′ announcement is about as disturbing as the act itself, and only foretells of bad times ahead.
I feel ya…
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William McCamment
reply on October 11th, 2008 6:44 pm:
I love Don Jose’s! I’ve eaten there several times but never had a “clean up on aisle 4″ episode. Thank goodness!
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It is funny reading about it although I’m sure it was not at all funny when it happened.
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William McCamment
reply on October 11th, 2008 6:45 pm:
It was a little funny–at least I didn’t make a mess in the book aisle.
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Just passing by and it was like I was in the bookstore watching you freak out.
For every action there’s a reaction so that covers the chemistry and physics.
I hate to say it BUT….
Would of been exciting for us if there was an OUT of Order sign on the door…….
Ouch
Stumbled
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William McCamment
reply on October 11th, 2008 6:47 pm:
Haha! If there was an out of order sign on the door there would’ve been a MASSIVE loss in book sales.
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thank you so much for the great advice. sounds like something i would do. now, i won’t.
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William McCamment
reply on October 11th, 2008 6:48 pm:
Important lesson learned: DO NOT MIX TACOS WITH COOKIES.
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Look on the bright side. I’m pretty certain the monumental number of calories you ingested got reduced by half at least. Belly content implosion does that to people. I shall take your mistake to heart. No smiley face chocolate chip with volcano taco. Done!
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William McCamment
reply on October 11th, 2008 6:50 pm:
I was VERY light on my feet afterward.
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Hey!
Im from HB and thought I’d check you out. You made me laugh and I’ll come back for more….
Eve
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William McCamment
reply on October 12th, 2008 9:45 am:
Hi Eve! Welcome to Dead Rooster!
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New reader here. I laughed so hard I had to make my own sudden trip to the bathroom. Those grumbling sounds are difficult to mimic in writing. LOL! At least you were in B&N, rather than the Library of Congress. Yes, I’d say your commitment to Tuesdays, Thursdays and an occasional weekend is sorely needed in a world that seems to be going down the tubes faster than usual. Keep up the good work!
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William McCamment
reply on October 12th, 2008 8:42 pm:
Thanks, Etsy! I really appreciate the kind words.
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taco bell always makes you run for the border
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William McCamment
reply on October 16th, 2008 8:42 pm:
Yes, yes it does! LOL
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Speaking of winning awards………
The Volcano Taco wins the No-Belly prize.
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hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!
i feel the same way! do not worry yo uare not the only one!:)
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