The Spastic Dance of the Black Widow Spider Slayer
One of seven black widow spiders I found along the back fence of my house.
Black widow spider venom is fifteen-times as toxic as that of the prairie rattlesnake. This is why yesterday I was somewhat alarmed to find seven of them (black widows, not rattlesnakes) building a cobweb amusement park along the back fence of the Dead Rooster Mansion.
They are resistant to all non-flamethrower style insecticides, so the only way to get rid of them is to physically smash them with a proper black widow extermination device. My personal favorite is the handle of a TaylorMade r7 CGBmax 5-iron golf club. The correct method for using this high-tech instrument is to hold the club-head in your hand like a pistol grip while pointing the tip of the long handle a few inches from the offending creature, then smoosh.
You have to be quick though because black widows can sense danger and vanish quicker than Dick Cheney’s signature on a charity donation. They escape into knot-holes, under loose boards, or worst of all—and this is where I learned that wearing nothing but short pants and a t-shirt while trying to slay highly-poisonous black widow spiders with a golf club is not such a great idea—they can leap onto you.
I squished the first six spiders in heroic fashion and without a hitch, but the seventh one, obviously skilled at club-handle evasion tactics, unwittingly managed to become part of the meanest hoax ever foisted upon me.
I blinked and she disappeared. I can only believe it was an elaborate prank of nature when, at the exact moment the spider vanished, it was precisely the exact same moment in which an apple blossom drifted from a nearby tree and wriggled its way down the back of my t-shirt.
OK, as you can imagine, my reaction was elaborate. I could feel what I thought was a black widow spider—probably with newly sharpened fangs dripping with highly toxic super-venom—jump down the inside of my shirt!
I could feel its spindly legs; I could sense its anger; I could hear it breathing!
But fate was not satisfied with the intensity of this cruel practical joke. No, it had to do more; it needed a witness.
It turns out that while this nightmare was unfolding for me, my brother, David, had stopped by for one of his surprise visits. When he couldn’t find me in the house, he walked out into the backyard just in time to see me lurching around the lawn wielding a golf club as if I were trying to slay an invisible dragon.
Thinking I was goofing around, he said, (and I believe this is pretty close to the exact quote), “You look like you completely swallowed one of those poisonous frogs that, when you lick’em, cause you to hallucinate.”
“There’s a black widow down the back of my shirt!” I screamed.
After seeing the genuine look of terror on my face he decided that maybe he should try to help me.
Cautiously, he pulled back the collar of my t-shirt and took a look. After seeing the apple blossom, but without passing up an opportunity to further torture me, he said, “holy crap! There is one in there…and, it looks totally pissed, like it wants to bite you!”
The blood drained from my face.
David, who by this time could not contain himself, began laughing hysterically. “No, man, I’m just messing with you—it’s just a flower or something.”
I felt the golf club in my hand, gripped the handle tightly, and brought it up to the “swing” position.
David stopped laughing.
I never did kill that final spider, but I know the general area she’s hiding, so eventually she’s a goner. Right now I’m off to get some margarita mix…and, possibly a beekeepers outfit.
Dead Rooster is the online home of 
OK, I am going to cry now. I have those and Hobo Spiders taunting me everytime I turn around here.
I may not sleep tonight after reading this!
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William McCamment
reply on June 1st, 2008 10:30 pm:
I just googled “hobo spider” and I decided I don’t like those either.
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OH MY GOD William….Eek I am glad that I do not reside at your house (although so would my husband be
)
I would have absolutely landed the 5 Iron right on my brothers head for that cruel prank 
I have a HUGE aversion to spiders, well all creepy crawlies really…I have a *spiderman* come in twice a year
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William McCamment
reply on June 2nd, 2008 5:06 am:
Creepy things don’t really bother me too much–just as long as they’re not menacing me! We have tarantulas and scorpions as well, but they’re pretty scarce and I hardly ever see them.
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Great leaping arachnids, Rooster! That’s disturbing, to say the least. I have a small area of backyard which I refer to as “the way back” (it is further back than the back) and I KNOW there are snakes in there. I saw one once slither over the way-back fence like something out of Harry Potter.
And now, when I go to weed out there, I am startled by things like vines. Or leaping cats.
Here’s hoping you get the final Widow and you don’t get bitten and develop super-Spider sense… or dead… or anything.
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William McCamment
reply on June 2nd, 2008 5:10 am:
I’ve found a couple rattlesnakes during my daily hikes, but they usually just sit there in the sunshine. I’ve never had one shake its rattle at me yet.
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A truly haunting experience … its too bad your brother didn’t have the sense to run and get a camcorder, you could be #1 on YouTube right now:
“Flower Blossom:1, DeadRooster: 0″
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William McCamment
reply on June 2nd, 2008 6:17 am:
Haha! Given the way I was jumping around and magnitude of his uncontrollable laughter, I doubt he could hold a camera steady enough to get a good video. But, yeah, if he could have, it would’ve been pretty funny.
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Oh good grief. I would have freaked out. I’m such a girl when it comes ti insects, thank God Jan is here to slay all my “dragons”.
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William McCamment
reply on June 2nd, 2008 7:47 am:
I normally don’t freak out unless they’re inside my clothes. But, black widows are especially creepy.
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While I am truly sympathetic to this situation, since I know you and your brother personally, and can picture this scenario in my head….I am currently wiping tears of laughter from my cheeks. You’re quite lucky David could’nt keep a straight face as I am sure he would have enjoyed torturing you further.
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William McCamment
reply on June 2nd, 2008 8:42 am:
Yes, David finally got a little payback from all the torture I’ve put him through over the years.
I think he probably could’ve went a little further, but I was holding a golf club at the time, and I don’t think he wanted to push it too far.
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Really nice photography by the way (creepy subject but most excellent picture)
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William McCamment
reply on June 2nd, 2008 9:16 am:
Thanks! I took about 20 photos, but this is the only one that half-way turned out. It’s difficult to capture a solid black spider in the shadows. LOL
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hahha, what a great post. I’m not sure what I would have done, had I felt something go down my shirt, except pee myself. I’m not sure what kind of spiders or creepy crawly things we have here in Tampa, but just a bit farther north are brown recluse spiders. Nasty, nasty. I will now be investing in a small, portable insect flame thrower unit. Or a positron collider.
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William McCamment
reply on June 2nd, 2008 9:26 am:
I have tried all kinds of incectisides, including those with big black widow spiders on the front, but NONE of them work.
I’m willing to try a positron collider, but it might be a little too extreme for backyard use.
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I remember one time we took some youngsters on a “camp-out” at an old deer camp on the King Ranch. We found hundreds of black widows and as many brown recluse spiders. I was worried the whole week-end that we would have a hospital run with one of those kids. Fortunately, we didn’t have to.
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William McCamment
reply on June 2nd, 2008 4:07 pm:
It would take an awful lot of Scooby-Snacks before I’d agree to visit THAT deer camp.
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William, I would have paid good money to see that. I have been laughing my ass off. I have such a mental picture of that! I am from Phoenix where they are all too common. I used to play with them when I was a child. When I got older we used to use the old hairspray and a lighter trick. Worked every time.
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William McCamment
reply on June 2nd, 2008 4:12 pm:
Funny you should mention the hairspray/lighter trick. I actually thought of that, but since I have no hairspray and no lighter, I had to go with the golf club. Besides, “Fire BAD”
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LOL!
It’s funny you wrote this now … one of my kids spotted a spider in his bedroom. Unfortunately, we also have a cat that upon occasion eats them, so pesticides are out of the question.
We got rid of the kid.
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William McCamment
reply on June 2nd, 2008 6:02 pm:
My cats tend to go after them as well, which is one of the reasons I wanted to get rid of them (the black widows, not the cats). The other reason, of course, is that my nephews come over every once in a while and love to play back there.
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it is spider season big time.. i have killed or tried to kill three in the house this week,, posted about the biggest one… mine are not black widows thank god,, but those big brown nasty ones anything over the size of a quarter,, is not ok with me……
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William McCamment
reply on June 2nd, 2008 6:47 pm:
It must be spider season. I’ve had several people tell me that just this week they’ve started finding them around the house.
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While we have black widows around here, they pretty much limit themselves to the well house where it’s dark and cool. I see mostly writing spiders and some other garden spiders which I leave alone because they help keep the other insects I don’t like down to a reasonable level. I’ll have to post some of the pics of the writing spider I took last fall that made her residence on my window. It was really cool watching her build the web and catch and consume her prey. Now I have this big ball-like thing in the casement that I’m pretty sure is an egg sac. It will be really interesting when the babies come out to play.
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William McCamment
reply on June 3rd, 2008 10:00 am:
Very interesting. I’m going to have to check out this “writing spider” you speak of. I don’t normally kill spiders either, unless they’re highly poisonous and in the areas my cats/nephews like to play.
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Chilling. What part of the country is this in?
Also very nicely written. A very appealing post.
Encountered you via EntreCard, FYI.
Ben
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William McCamment
reply on June 3rd, 2008 10:03 am:
Hi Bengo,
Thanks!
I live in a small Southern California town near Temecula wine country.
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You have turned me into a quivering wreck! Living in the UK, with the most poisonous thing probably being some berry on a tree, or some wild mushroom, the thought of seeing one black widow, let alone seven, anywhere close to my home would freak me out completely! Any spider that landed on me would make me do the spacky dance of terror!
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William McCamment
reply on June 3rd, 2008 12:51 pm:
Black widows and scorpions are about the only things that can make me do the “spacky dance of terror.” It used to be wasps and bumble bees, but I got stung by a yellow-jacket and, even though it hurt like hell, I realized I could survive, and the fear subsided after that.
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This is brilliant – now you need a spin-off blog called DeadSpider
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William McCamment
reply on June 3rd, 2008 12:57 pm:
Haha!
I’ll do it! …right after you write a novel about ZOMBIE spiders.
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Great Story!
Funny and scary all at the same time! So did you hit your brother?
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William McCamment
reply on June 3rd, 2008 2:44 pm:
Thanks!
No, I didn’t hit him (but, I wanted to).
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I’ve heard everything now. Black Widow golf. Bwahahahahahaha. Loved it. Have a great day.
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William McCamment
reply on June 3rd, 2008 8:17 pm:
Black widows–no problem. Now, if I could only learn to hit a GOLF BALL!
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Wow! What a grand story teller you are. I was on the edge of my seat right to the very end. In fact, I wanted to smack David for you. …lol.
I confess that I did take a moment out to thoroughly appreciate this line: “You have to be quick though because black widows can sense danger and vanish quicker than Dick Cheney’s signature on a charity donation.” … lol
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William McCamment
reply on June 3rd, 2008 8:31 pm:
Thanks, TT! I enjoy reading your blog as well.
I almost didn’t include that line, but I couldn’t resist.
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I work outside and have encountered these beauties quite often. I was not aware they could jump! The first time I had to “dispose” of one, it took me a long time to work up the nerve to flick it out of the pot- and then I squashed it..then I saw all the tiny baby spiders! Then I left!
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William McCamment
reply on June 3rd, 2008 8:36 pm:
Now that you mention it, I’m not sure I’ve actually seen one jump. Maybe it was my mind putting it together when the spider disappeared and the apple blossom went down my shirt.
A couple of years ago though, I did have one try to chase me around the driveway.
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I completely understand and sympathize with your situation. I find apple blossoms terrifying.
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William McCamment
reply on June 4th, 2008 4:10 pm:
Haha!
Beware of the dandelions too!
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I just wanted to tell you we have been getting rid of Black Widows left and right 22 of them to be exact plus some of them were brown widows, we just learned about them, we didn’t know they too were poisonous till we read up on them.
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William McCamment
reply on June 4th, 2008 4:12 pm:
Must be some kind of black widow conspiracy!
Seems that there is a larger-than-usual crop of them this year.
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Oh my goodness!
I nearly had a blooming heart attack when I stumbled across this page while surfing Entrecard!
I do not like spiders, (seriously how can anybody!), and I quickly scrolled down the page. I had to, VERY, carefully scroll back up to the top of the page to read from the beginning without seeing the offending picture!
It’s a great post by the way, it actually had me laughing out loud! Not that I am laughing at your misfortune you understand! It’s just very funny and articulate how you wrote it!
I don’t have a spider squisher, (we don’t have the need in the UK), I just get my husband to dispose of them quickly! He can’t kill them though, he has to save them instead! I doubt he would be as keen to save Black Widow Spiders though!
I was stuck upstairs the other day because one cheeky chappy had planted itself on the bannister. I would have had to come within inches of it to get past. I couldn’t shout my husband as I would have woken the baby! I had to creep into the baby’s room and whisper into the baby monitor to tell him to come and save me!
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William McCamment
reply on June 4th, 2008 4:54 pm:
Sarah, your comment is so funny! LOL
Your husband reminds me of myself: I don’t like to kill spiders either (although I don’t like it, I make an exception for black widows because they are dangerous to my cats and young nephews). I usually catch non-poisonous style spiders in a drinking glass and take them outside to let them go.
I know, I’m a sicko.
…but, they eat all the pesky bugs!
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Sarah :: Freelance Writing, Grammar and Spelling tips
reply on June 5th, 2008 2:20 pm:
You are making me read this post again with that scary picture on top! When are you going to do another post so I don’t have to look at it any more!
I would catch them, but I can’t even go near the little ones! Pathetic I know! The spiders here don’t do any harm, what on earth would I be like if I was where you are now!
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Oh my God, I am rolling on the floor! Great blog, and post……give David a whack upside his head for me! (I would have died of a heart attack if that happened to me, lol)
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William McCamment
reply on June 5th, 2008 9:43 am:
Consider the upside of David’s head WHACKED!
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Awesome post and a great read! I live in the middle of a National Forest. There’s nothing I can do. Spiders and bugs are in my home. So I posted a “Room Mate contract” for my unwanted roomies on a wall that basically says: I understand that the forest is your home too and I choose to live here, but here’s the deal. Stay out of sight, stay away from me, and we’re good. But as soon as you start crawling on me, biting me, and/or descending on me Tom Cruise style from Mission Impossible, you’re toast. This is your only warning. Ask yourself, is the momentary self-gratification of sticking your fangs into my skin worth a gruesome death by Tilex or some other horrible domestic cleaner, flame or tool?
Cheers!
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William McCamment
reply on June 5th, 2008 2:45 pm:
Thanks Matt!
I love your “Room Mate Contract” but I prefer to smoosh them without warning. LOL
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What a great story, lol…I’m not afraid of spiders and don’t usually kill them…but…a black widow spider is a different story…I’ve never seen one up close and personal so I’m not sure if I would even recognize one…if I knew what it was I would probably freak as you did :0) Great picture by the way!
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William McCamment
reply on June 6th, 2008 4:01 pm:
The truth is, I don’t even like to kill black widows. But, I just can’t have them at the house because of their potential danger. They are common around these parts, but I have never met anyone that even knew of someone that was bitten. So, that’s a good thing.
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This is such a funny piece but all at your expense _ I’m sorry but i just found the way you recounted it so hilarious. I hope you are not offended. But of course, it sure must have been a dreadful few minutes there for you. be sure to wear more protective covering next time.
by the way, thanks for visiting my site.
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William McCamment
reply on June 6th, 2008 4:09 pm:
Offended? No way! LOL
I try to write posts that my readers will enjoy even if I turn out to look like a great big doofus. I’m glad you liked it and found it funny.
I will probably be a little more careful with my spider killing wardrobe next time.
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You approach and technique are sound, so you must have really ticked off Mother Nature to play such a horrendous prank on you. And then to add humiliation to it is salt in the wound!
Get her. And get your brother too, not with the golf club…but somehow.
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William McCamment
reply on June 16th, 2008 12:48 pm:
Oh, I’ll get her! And, I’ll get my brother too!
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Ok, that was funny! I can see the dance perfectly and I’ve done it too. I think I’m going to be subscribing to your blog! Keep it up and funny, the world needs it! Cheers!
(too many exclamations perhaps, so your grammar shouldn’t faze me one bit
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William McCamment
reply on June 16th, 2008 1:09 pm:
Welcome aboard, Wayne!
The exclamation point is the most valuable key on the keyboard! Never forget that!
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I think it’s easier to catch them first. Clubbing them seems a little dramatic =)
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William McCamment
reply on July 9th, 2008 2:14 pm:
Catching them seems a little dangerous–them being highly poisonous and all.
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Well dance!
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William McCamment
reply on July 9th, 2008 2:15 pm:
It just so happens I killed another black widow yesterday. I did not dance.
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I’m very ladylike (at least I pretend to be) so the guffaws totally took me by surprise. Loved this post. You are a funny as well as grammatically correct writer.
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William McCamment
reply on August 2nd, 2008 11:16 am:
Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it.
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thanks for submitting this post to the best three blog posts competition…..
do you know how spiders communicate? They make people write blogs about themselves
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I KNOW HOW U FEEL I JUST KILLED ONE ON MY DOGS FOOD BOWL.I EAS GOING TO FEED HIM AN AS USUALL THER WAS ANTS IN HIS BOWL.SO I PICKEDIT UP AND TURNED IT OVER TO KNOCK THE ANTS OUT AND TO MY SURPRISE I SAW SOMETHING MOVE.WELL I DROPPED THE BOWL AND GOT A CLOSER LOOK AND THEIR SHE WAS IN ALL HER WONDREFULL GLORY AND NOT VERY HAPPY.SO I KNOCKED HER OFF THE BOWL AND SMOOSHED HER.I ALSO HAVE HOBO SPIDERS GET IN MY HOME I HAVE HAD ONE THE SIZE OF THE PALM OF MY HAND IN MY BATHROOM CREEPY.I HATE SPIDDERS! DID U KNOW HOBO SPIDDERS CAN BE POISONOUS THATS WHAT MY PEST CONTROLL MAN TOLD ME.
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William McCamment
reply on August 27th, 2008 11:17 am:
Wow! What an ordeal! I keep expecting one of my cats to play with one and get bit–I hope that never happens.
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Do we have spiders in the uk that are venmous. Im really scared of spiders and i have loads in my house but i just wanted to know if they are please let me know.
Jason
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William McCamment
reply on September 19th, 2008 4:10 am:
Do they have venomous spiders in the UK? I don’t know; I’m more of an expert on how to squish them than whether they are poisonous or not.
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Excellent story! I enjoyed reading it.
Sorry bro, that you were terrorized by the fat girl! I laughed reading about your struggles, esp., your choice of weapons! Haha. I used my fist a few times.
Garlic was used to ward off spiders in ancient Egypt, and I have used it since I learned of this. [not a superstition]
While in Mexico, 8years, I encountered 8 black widows myself. All on different occasions though. One here, one there, all different places. Eventually, one of them got me, and I was comatose for a month and 8 days.
I know when we speak of these matters, many think we are crazy. haha. Oh well. The ones who hear, are the ones who actually learn something.
This widow encounter, is what was part of the making of spider-agent, the gifted seer of spiders! I would like to refer to your story one day.
I’m working on some sites about this Black Widow situation, called BlackWidowProphecy.com and spider-agent.com
I’ll share many things on this mactans, and will take 6months or more, as there is so much to say!
Hope everyone knows to keep the cobwebs clean, and don’t stack up junk, and boxes against the walls, will help. Their webs are messy and they build their webs in messy areas.
Shalom Shaleem!
Your Friend on the Digital Web,
spyD
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William McCamment
reply on March 25th, 2009 9:06 am:
Great info, Spy!
I’ll be checking out your sites. Thanks for taking the time to write such a great comment! I really appreciate it.
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Wow that’s creepy. How many different kinds of black widow spiders are there do you know? My brother had one as a pet and I’ve been looking into more and more as she has laid 2 egg sacs and it’s creepy. I couldn’t imagine seeing 7 black widows outside!
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In my portion of quasi desertlike Southern California, black widows are common. One of them crept in and bit me as I slept. In the morning, trying to step down six inches from porch to yard was excruciatingly painful. Once down, I could only shuffle, not walk. My chest and abdomen were tight and sore, and I suffered waves of pain every time I moved. I was weak, dizzy, nauseated, and not thinking very clearly. Too bad. It was a weekend. ER docs here won’t treat you unless they can actually see the venomous spider, which means your insurance won’t pay because it’s not deemed a “life-threatening event”. But the hospital will certainly bill you out-of-pocket for showing up at the ER so they can refuse to treat you. Perhaps I should have hunted a black widow down, smacked it around a bit, and taken it with me to the ER? Hmmm
Then there was the time I found one lurking behind the toilet. I jumped back in horror. Luckily the broom was nearby, because it buzzed the room like a jet. I ended up flailing the broom haphazardly at the walls and floor, hoping to stun it. The spectre of it excaping into the living room was so threatening that I would have done anything to corner and kill it in the bathroom. Anything. Which I did, though I have no memory of how.
Local politics are on the spider’s side. The landlord has lately installed stunningly low cost windows in this old house. They are wondrously airy. However, the window screen sits on bumper clips which raise the screen 1/4 inch and more above the sill. That open window is an invitation to mosquitos and flies and black widows, as well as itinerant new mice and cockroaches. But let us be realistic. Officials are not inspired to enforce City Health Codes after a well-heeled citizen landlord has put out money for spanking new cheap and airy windows, even if the screens rather obviously let in things that fly and crawl instead of keeping them out. I have been hometowned. With manufacturers like that, no wonder malaria is still not stamped out in the tropics.
Two years ago I retrieved a tarp, and the 30 black widows it contained, from the small garage (ancient and sievelike and therefore cannot be insect bombed) which comes with this house. Yes, they do leap. I have never entered the garage again, because I wish to live. I am optimistic, however, because the owner says he plans to tear it down.
I have stopped trying to grow a lawn. In the summer here it’s sizzling and parched, and water only encourages black widows and other insects. During one of my orgies of watering to keep a newly seeded lawn alive, earwigs came up in the night and covered the entire house like a plague of locusts. My next stab at watering my way to a lovely turf resulted in hordes of striped male black widows storming the front door as I came home late at night. Many large mature female black widows, with their nasty fire-engine red hourglasses exposed, were also hanging nightly from webs outside the house. Seems I water here at my peril. I thought of lizards, but realized outside cats would only eat them.
No denying that steel-toed workboots clobber black widows, if you have trained your spiders to sit and wait while you take aim, that is. I have fond memories of the coastal city where I was born. There a stink bug and a few red ants in a vacant lot were a big deal.
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omg samething happened to me the black widow was on the ceiling and i was goin to go work out but when i shut the door and it fell on my head i brushed it off really fast and i ran and no joke that thing started chaseing me so i went to the next door and shut it i dont it could fit under the door cuz that thing was as big as my palm but i was traped in that room until 1in the mourning with no phone i did not want to leave
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LOL AH-HAhahahahaha! I loved this post!!! I would love to post it to my Myspace, if I have your permission? PLEEEEASE?!?!?!
http://www.myspace.com/349135636
Laughs,
Lisa
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William McCamment
reply on April 19th, 2010 3:25 am:
Sure, post it to MySpace, but tell ‘em where you found it.
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