The Scientific Murder of an Innocent Gummi Bear
Of all the murders found on the internet these days, the killings of rubbery bearlike candies known as “Gummi Bears” are among the most popular. The evidence is out there in the form of high-quality photography detailing Gummi Bears in situations involving torture, impalement, crucifixion and in various states of headlessness.
Enjoying this type of cruelty is not necessarily a sign of a sick mind, if you have ever attempted to eat one of these cute little creatures, then you know how nearly impossible it is to resist the urge to bite its head off before popping the rest in your mouth.
The cruelest type of Gummi Bear violence, though, is the type performed in the name of impressing students in a high-school science class while utilizing a Gummi Bear as the crucial piece of the scientific experiment (AKA: object of torture).
This admittedly spectacular murder occurs when certain glucose, sucrose and gummitrose molecules in the Gummi Bear combine with the impressive sounding science-oriented molecules in molten potassium chlorate to form the highly explosive compound known as kaboomalot (from the German, meaning many ear-piercing explosions):
As you can see from the video, the potential for a clean-burning alternative fuel is enormous. Before you know it you could be pulling up to the corner gas station where you have the choice of filling your tank with Premium Red Bears or Green Economy Bears. And, we haven’t even begun experimenting with Gummi Worms! Imagine throwing a handful of those babies into a pot of molten potassium chlorate—why, you might find yourself with an extremely efficient and sweet tasting rocket fuel. Of course there’s always the possibility that some third-world country might try to get their hands on–and weaponize–Gummi Bears, but the risk is very slight considering the technology required to properly enrich weapons-grade Gummi Bear ingredients.
It may require the sacrifice (and horrible death) of a few innocent Gummi Bears, but the future looks bright. Very bright, indeed.
Photo credit: wiedmaier
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I think that is what happens in my brain when I eat sugar.
Personally, though, I’m partial to staging Peep fights in the microwave. You give them little plastic swords…
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Hot damn (no pun intended). Gummi bears an alternative fuel… who would’ve thought that?
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damn… that was wild… i have never been here… think i’ll have a look around…..
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Bloggrrl,
Peep fights are hillarious! I would LOVE to see what would happen if you threw in an entire box. LOL
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Hey Static,
It’s a great idea but the oil companies would never let us do it. They’d just buy up all the world’s Gummi Bears.
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Hi Paisley,
Glad to see you here. Have fun!
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I knew I shouldn’t have clicked that arrow. The memory of that horrific scene is going to keep me awake nights.
Milly
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Haha!!!
Automatic link! (assuming you don’t mind) This was BRILLIANT!
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Milly,
Try and think happy thoughts. LOL
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Lobo,
Thanks! Very strange, I was reading your blog precisely the same time you were reading mine–good stuff there. By all means, link away!
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Yes, this was quite a surprise. My grandchildren would love the gummy bear video. And William is correct – the oil companies would suddenly become the owner of the gummy bear franchise.
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I’m not sure I agree with Gummi Bear mutilation. I happen to think Gummy Bears are delicious and that the late ’80s cartoon was a psychedelic manifestation of their genius. However, if you do subscribe to such explicit mutilation, might I suggest placing a number of said Gummy Bears inside a Gingerbread house along with those dreaded, evil Gummy Worms, locking the doors and lighting the house on fire? I dunno, just a thought….
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nasty
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