The Proper Usage of Bad Grammar

Photo credit: Tojosan

I can guess what you’re thinking: “Hey, William, what gives you—a virtual grammar scumbag—the right to lecture anyone on proper usage and grammar?” Well, Timmy, let me explain (if your name isn’t Timmy, please either insert your own name or have it legally changed in order to maintain the integrity of this article); you see, I really only want to discuss two usage problems in which I am well versed; one is a very common mistake that drives me crazy every time I see it; the other is not so common and doesn’t bother me at all, but I find writing about it hilarious.

Then/Than

First, let me quickly help each and every one of you knuckleheads that have a brain explosion every time you attempt to use then/than. It is so simple people: every time you are confused as to whether you should use the word then or than, it is ALWAYS than. No one ever mistakenly uses than when they should use then because the sentence would look way too stupid. If you are confused, it’s than. Trust me; I am right (the grammar experts in the audience are laughing right now because they know I’m right and it really is that simple).

Hurl/Hurtle/Hurdle

Next, I want to cover the proper use of hurl/hurtle/hurdle (you can feel the comedy developing already, can’t you?). Let’s take the following example:

I hurled a cold beer toward my buddy Jim, who had such a massive hangover that he didn’t notice as the bottle hurtled past his head and over the fence into the neighbor’s yard. Jim’s brother Mark decided to hurdle the fence to retrieve it, while Jim, feeling queasy, began hurling his breakfast (Lucky Charms) all over the grass.

 

Let’s take a look at what we’ve just learned:

1. Hurl is used to describe the act of throwing (or throwing up).
2. Hurtle is used to describe an object in flight traveling at a high rate of speed.
3. Hurdle is used to describe one object jumping over another object.
4. Lucky Charms are magically delicious, but are not a suitable remedy for a hangover.

So, that concludes todays lesson on grammar and usage. Hope you had fun.

But wait, (I can hear several alert readers shrieking), although everything you wrote in this article is grammatically perfect in every way and we would just be making fools of ourselves if we attempted to point anything out in the comments section, we think you made a tremendous error in the title of this post by using the word “usage” instead of the word “use”!

This final explanation is simple: in the context of the title (which showcases BAD grammar) it is vital to use the incorrect word. This brilliant use of humor is what we in the blogging business call a grabber headline.

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