Petting a Crocodile While Sitting on a Landmine
Excerpt from Dead Rooster’s Mediocre Guide to Women:
Sometimes, trying to be nice—even if it’s totally sincere—can get you into trouble. Avoid extraneous phrases that can lead your girl to reconstruct a derogatory meaning to what you’ve actually said:
Girlfriend: Angelina Jolie is hot
You: She’s not THAT hot
Girlfriend: She’s pretty hot
You: You’re hotter than Angelina Jolie…
Girlfriend: I am not!
You: You are to me
Girlfriend: [silence]
You: Baby? What’s wrong?
Girlfriend: You just called me a Big Fat Cow
You: What?
Did you see where you went wrong? When you told your girlfriend she was hotter than Angelina Jolie, you made the mistake of using the problematic phrase, You are to me. In girlfriend language, this CLEARLY translates to everyone else thinks you’re a Big Fat Cow.
When you use phrases like, You are to me, you’re feeding a live crocodile bare-handed. Be safe and use more definitive phrases like, Yes you are!
Dead Rooster is the online home of 
Ironically enough, I think big fat cow translates to “hey, lets cuddle!” in their little backasswards language.
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William McCamment
reply on August 3rd, 2009 3:13 pm:
I’d ask you to count your fingers, but with a comment like that, I think you’re up to your elbow.
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MichaelR
reply on August 27th, 2009 1:08 am:
Lolz. He’ll be lucky if only up to his elbow.
BTW, this is all true. But just like the saying goes….Women: We can’t live with them, we can’t live without them.
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Her: You like my haircut
You: Looks nice
Her: You sure?
You: Yep. Said it did
Her: You mean you like it short?
(uh-oh. warning!)
You: Anyway you wear it would be fine with me
Her: You mean you don’t care what I look like?
(Ya stepped in it again big boy.)
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William McCamment
reply on August 3rd, 2009 5:31 pm:
Haha! I’ve been THERE before! LOL
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How true this is…. good one!
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William McCamment
reply on August 4th, 2009 5:06 am:
Thanks, Jimmy! I’m glad you enjoyed it.
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RedRaider had a good one too
if your woman is like this guys get the hell out now with your jewels while you can…
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William McCamment
reply on August 4th, 2009 3:53 pm:
This is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called, Dead Rooster’s Mediocre Guide to Women. It is based on my experiences with women over the years and in no way reflects the behavior of my current girlfriend.
Sadly, I am down to only one jewel.
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Mr.Tiggy finds it safer to desist any form of verbal communication with me. That way, nothing can go wrong.
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William McCamment
reply on August 7th, 2009 8:59 am:
That’s one way to go, but I’m the kind of guy that likes to jump off the cliff and build my wings on the way down. (line stolen from Ray Bradbury).
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No comment…
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William McCamment
reply on August 7th, 2009 12:11 pm:
I think I just dodged a bullet…
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How about
” Do you know where you left your keys ? ”
Ah HELLO
just passing thru William Happy Weekend
Stumbled
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This is such a rocking input…you are so right…and it is true, we say blue, they hear red, they think, “Ah hah, red, that is a red light, I know where he’s been, dad gummit, he wouldn’t say red if he wasn’t mad at me, I must not have done enough for him, what they heck is his problem…” and all I said was…”blue”!
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Hmmm. over 20 years of marriage I have learned never to compare my wife with Angelina Jolie. Maybe that’s our secret.
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Just the other day I’ve left my mobile at home. When I got home my wife asked me why my female co worker rang my cell phone twice. I told her I don’t know because I didn’t know she tried to call me so I never ask her. My wife then told me that’s not the answer she’s expecting. So should I just invented a story then? Tsk tsk tsk.
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