How to Recognize a Furball Situation

The dark side of cat ownership has always been the furball.

What happens is your cat, being very fussy about its appearance, must constantly groom itself in order to keep up with the other cats in the neighborhood. Since most cats don’t have opposable thumbs in which to hold a hair-brush (and the ones that do are raking in big bucks at small-town freak shows), they must use their tongues. This means a lot of fur gets swallowed where it collects in their stomachs and gathers into what is known in the industry as a “furball”.

After a while, the furball becomes so large and angry that the cat’s body will want to reject it. The cat has little choice in the exact moment this happens, but it seems to happen most frequently during fancy dinner parties. Many inexperienced cat owners mistake this as vomiting and assume that their cat is either sick, or just wants to humiliate them in front of company. But, both of these assumptions are usually wrong; the cat is simply following a natural process called “horking”.

So, how can you tell the difference? Here’s a quick guide to identifying a furball situation:

Stage One: The Huff

Your cat gets scrunched down on all fours with its neck stretched out and begins to huff. This is the single most critical time for cat owners because, if you hurry, you can get a paper towel, newspaper or a photo of your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend and place it on the floor directly beneath the cat’s mouth in time to catch the offending material. Utilizing this little trick can make clean-up a breeze.

Stage Two: Quagmire

At this stage, your cat will stiffen its front legs and violently percolate as it bobs its head up-and-down like Quagmire from Family Guy. This motion is always accompanied by the “Hicka-hicka-hicka” noise universally recognized as the “she’s about to blow” warning. So, when you hear this, it is usually well advised to take cover immediately.

Stage Three: Geraldo Rivera

I have no idea how this happens—it really is quite fascinating—but your cat’s face somehow transforms into an exact copy of Geraldo Rivera’s just before it jettisons what could best be described as a soggy hair sausage. The good news is that these vile objects do not usually eject at high velocity and are relatively well contained.

After this rather spastic episode, your cat will immediately begin to act normally as if nothing ever happened. Though thoroughly disgusting, it’s really just a normal procedure for a cat.

So, now you should be fully up to date on how to recognize a furball situation. And, even though you are stuck cleaning it up, you can at least be thankful that human beings do not hork furballs. Could you imagine? You’re waiting in line at the bank, you step up to the teller and, just before making your transaction, you feel a bit queasy, “Hicka-hicka-hicka…”

Behold! Fur!

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