How to look like a Balloon-Chasing Scumbag on National TV

Screenshot of USA Channel’s Character Fantasy which aired last Saturday, March, 22^nd featuring yours truly starting a new fashion trend for television stars: The Semi-Peeved Hot-Air-Balloon-Chasing Scumbag Look.

I sometimes work as ground crew for hot-air balloon companies. This means I set-up, inflate and chase hot air balloons in and around Temecula Wine Country in southern California. When they land, I pick up the passengers and pilot and drive them all back to the original launch site. I also have to pack up the 700+ lb balloon and load it back on the trailer. Although I get paid to do this, I mostly do it for the intense physical exercise.

So, three or four times a month I get a call to chase balloons. Last month (February), I awoke to a 5:00 a.m. phone call from Dominic at D & D Ballooning: “Hey, Bill, How’d you like to be on TV? I think it’s going to be on TBS this time.”

He thought it was “TBS,” but I’m guessing he misheard and it’s going to be on PBS (like last time I was supposed to be on TV) and it will probably be broadcast in an area we can’t even get on our local TV’s.

I look at the clock and consider turning it down and going back to sleep, “OK, let me wake up a minute and I’ll be there.”

“There’s no time for you to wake up, they want the balloon up and ready to film in an hour!”

I’m not too worried about skipping my shower, not shaving and looking like crap because, as I learned many times in the past, the film crew rarely films ground crew personnel; they are there to film the balloon, the passengers, and the pilot. Besides, no one watches PBS anyway.

I arrive at the launch site which, this time, happens to be Wilson Creek Winery in Temecula. I see Dominic and another pilot, Hunter, have already started to unload everything from the truck and unpack the balloon. “They want to film the inflation,” says Dominic. “So, let’s just get it hooked up and ready for when they get here.”

Dominic had just spoken to the producer on the phone and now has a few more details: It is not, as I suspected, TBS; however, it is not PBS either, it is for a show called Character Fantasy on The USA Channel and we are all DEFINITELY going to be on camera. I look at my reflection in the truck window and my hair is not too bad, but there’s a few pieces sticking up, so I quickly run to the restroom and run a wet comb through it. The sprigs of hair don’t want to stay down so I really get it wet and finally they—sort of—stay put.

By the time I get back the film crew is there and it’s time to start cold inflating the balloon. The way this is done is we fire-up a couple of high-powered fans, open up the mouth of the envelope (the big colorful fabric part of the balloon) and start moving air into it. So, there I am, holding open the fabric skirt with freshly wet hair standing in front of two high powered fans just before the cameras start to roll. And—lucky me—this is going to be nationally televised.

By the time Dominic starts adding fire from the burners to get the balloon to stand up my hair resembles a wild combination of Albert Einstein and Buckwheat from The Little Rascals. Lucky for me, the camera guy is laughing so hard he can’t hold the camera still enough to film my hideous form.

Somehow, I managed to escape any shots of me with the horrible hairdo but I wasn’t out of the clear yet; after the flight and after I sweat my balls-off recovering, packing and muscling the heavy balloon back on the truck, it was time to drive back to the winery to shoot the opening sequence. In other words, we are supposed to act like we just arrived to do the pre-flight instructional portion of the “balloon lesson” in which Tobie, the girl with the fantasy of being “a hot-air balloon conductor,” learns how to fly a hot-air balloon.

By now my hair is all sweaty from the physical labor and on camera it appears all greasy-looking. To the television viewer, since this is the opening sequence at the winery, it looks like this is the way I normally roll. They also got as many shots of me looking confused as possible. The reason I look confused is because during filming, they interviewed us in turn and the other two guys that went first had wonderfully prepared lines and I was going to look like an idiot. I was not confused, but amazed at their speeches. I was also realizing that the other guys have already revealed everything there was to know about hot-air ballooning and there was going to be nothing left for me to say. I’ll just look stupid. No problem.

Again, I lucked out. They cut all on-camera speaking lines from me and Hunter. Whew!

But right now, as I write this on Tuesday morning, I am getting ready to go to Hollywood for a movie shoot. The producers are keeping everything secret except to say that it involves a simulated balloon crash, several naked women and a nudist colony (God, I hope this isn’t a porno). I swear that is all I know. That, and they said one of the naked women is a “well-known actress that I can’t reveal because then I’d have to kill you.” What a cliché!

I am not supposed to be on camera, I’m only there to work on the set. But, just between you and me, I’m trimming my toenails for the nudist colony scene, just in case…

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