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Photo: Elvis is Dead Again by mygothlaundry

Saturday night I went to a party at a hill-top home overlooking the Temecula wine country and witnessed the second coming of Elvis.

His business card said, “The Best Elvis Impersonator in Vegas!” but, I think it should’ve read, “The LOUDEST Elvis Impersonator in Vegas.”

Anyway, he didn’t like me—most likely because I was sitting at a table with five gorgeous women that, admittedly, I had no business being in the same area code with (In reality I only knew one of them and I’m pretty sure she asked me to sit down in order to keep the hovering comic book guy with two plates of prime rib from squeezing into the seat). Later on, after the girls were swooning to his act, Elvis determined I wasn’t much of a threat and lightened up a bit.

Although he was taking requests from the audience, he refused to do any songs other than those specifically performed by Elvis Presley. I twice called-out, “Do White Punks on Dope!” which got a few laughs but, of course, he couldn’t do it; he just glanced at the half-empty beer bottle in front of me and I assume thought I was drunk (I wasn’t).

What I want to know is: why can’t these guys do Elvis’ songs without having to dress up in a starched white jumpsuit festooned with plastic rhinestones and a collar as tall as an airport control tower?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate Elvis or his music, but probably due to my youth (Ha-ha!), I’ve never really “got” the whole Legend of Elvis thing. In fact, even if the REAL Elvis showed up, aside from the fact that he would be a zombie, I wouldn’t be too impressed.

After the show, he came over and talked to the girls; they took pictures with him and giggled. He asked if I wanted to take my picture with him; I said no because “everyone knows cameras capture your soul.” I was joking, of course, but he looked at me like he thought I was serious. I got a good laugh out of it.

What really bothers me about Elvis Impersonators is that there are just too many of them—especially in Vegas. Just try to order take-out Chinese food on the strip without a Chinese Elvis taking your order. Why Elvis? Why not other, more interesting celebrities? You never walk into a Las Vegas grocery store and see people pushing shopping carts dressed as, say, Batman, or Hitler.

Most Elvis impersonators I’ve seen really get into the character. So much so that it’s scary. I wonder what would happen if you secretly hired two Elvis impersonators to do the same show at the same time. You could hand them chains and let them go at each other until one is a bloody heap on the floor. Now, that would be a show worth watching!

My greatest fear is that all these Elvis impersonators will one day band together and overthrow the state of Nevada—then, who knows, maybe even the entire country! What if, in order to appease our Elvis overlords, we were forced to wear jumpsuits and take “lip-snarl” lessons? Women would forever be addressed as, “momma-baby,” and it would be proper etiquette to always end every conversation with, “Thank you, thankyouverymuch.”

On the bright side, while I was online researching Elvis impersonators, I discovered that there are a growing number of Michael Jackson impersonators. Maybe the future will bring an apocalyptic showdown between the Elvis and Jackson clans and they will destroy each other. Wouldn’t that be great!

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