Dead Rooster Survives Bug Attack on Universal Mummy Coaster
I’m not a big fan of rollercoasters; I will ride one if I have to—but only under dire circumstances—such as when the amusement park is burning down and it’s the only way to get out alive.
Recently, I went to Universal Studios in Hollywood California with my brother’s family. My brother was out of town on business, so our group consisted of me, my sister-in-law, her 70-year-old mother and my 3-year-old nephew. There were also two teenage girls—my niece and her friend—but as soon as we passed through the gates, they magically disappeared.
Anyway, my sister-in-law, Evelyn, who had been to Universal a few years earlier, kept telling me I was really going to freak out on the Mummy Ride. “Wait ‘til you see the bugs,” she kept telling me. “You are gonna’ freak!”
She repeated this enough times that I finally had to say, “Stop with the bugs!” and insist that we go on the stupid Mummy Ride so we can get on with our lives!
However, there was a problem. See, the last time Evelyn was at Universal Studios they didn’t have a Mummy Ride. What she was remembering was a portion of the Studio Tour dressed-up Egyptian Style to promote the newly released movie, The Mummy.
In the Egyptian part of the tour, the tram—which, by the way, tops-out at a blazing three-miles-per-hour—goes into a tunnel where, eventually, scarab beetles, obviously created by a film projector, crawl all over the walls. Hardly something I would “freak out” about.
But, Evelyn kept seeing these Revenge of the Mummy: The Ride signs throughout the park, which, as it turns out, is not the snail-like tram she remembered, but a high-speed indoor rollercoaster designed to leave you twitching for the rest of your life from permanent nerve damage.
So, we finally get to the entrance to The Mummy Ride and the attendant points to my 3-year-old nephew and says to Evelyn, “You can’t take him on this ride…”
“Why not?” asks Evelyn.
“He’s too small.”
An argument breaks out (remember, she thinks this is the slow-paced tram ride) and other ride attendants gather to help out their comrade. In the mean time, Evelyn pauses long enough to say to me and her mother, “You two go ahead and go on the ride…I don’t want you to miss it…”
Now, here’s the situation: unbeknownst to me, I am about to board a skull-thrashing, spine-twisting, bowel-releasing high-speed rollercoaster with, as a riding companion, a soft-spoken, flower-sniffing, easy-chair-nap-enjoying, 70-year-old grandmother.
As the line wound-down into the building, there were all kinds of creepy Egyptian scenes including a great big scarier-than-reality-mummy-dude with extremely poor dental hygiene spouting several violent statements along-the-lines of, “I am going to rip off your face and use it to wax my car!”—or, something like that—I don’t remember his exact words.
I began to wonder why Evelyn was so adamant about taking a three-year-old on such an obviously too-spooky-for-children ride. What was she thinking? I was glad they wouldn’t let him on.
Finally, we get to the point where they load you into the car and they put me and Grandma in the very front. A padded neck-brace ratchets down over each of our bodies to hold us down and I’m thinking, OK, this CAN’T be a good sign…
It begins to dawn on me that this is going to be a rollercoaster type ride, but it’s too late now, so I just keep quiet. My only hope is that it is not too extreme for Grandma.
She looks at me and smiles.
BANG! The thing instantly goes from 0 to 500 miles-per-hour and Grandma’s face melts into a rictus skull of terror. She grabs hold of my shirt and begins tearing it off me as she screams a type of squealing horror that you just can’t duplicate outside of a torture prison.
“I’M SO SCARED” She screams.
I am shitting my pants.
The ride blasts into high g-force turns, shoots through twisting holes, flies out over hills, drops into zero-gravity darkness, then finally, just before impacting a hard-rock wall, slams to a halt.
We’re just sitting there. We begin to relax.
But, wait!—the fun isn’t over yet! Through a tiny hole in the wall, a series of scarab beetles begin spilling out by the thousands. Not the stupid, projector-style bugs I would later see on the tram ride; these are clickety-clackety realistic looking bugs that…
OH MY GOD! IT’S THE BUGS!
Evelyn warned me about these things! What in the HELL are they going to do to me? I am seriously worried now because she didn’t even mention the psycho rollercoaster part of the ride, so this must really…
BANG! We instantly shoot full-blast through the whole ride again, but this time, we do it all BACKWARDS! You’ve got to be kidding me! All the screaming, all the shirt-ripping—it all happens again and with extra intensity because we are facing-away and have no clue where we’re going—only that we are racing through the tunnels at breakneck speed.
Finally the ride ends and as we exit Evelyn is waiting outside—still unaware that it was a high-speed rollercoaster that she had just sent her 70-year-old mother to ride. She asks, “How’d you like it, mom?”
Grandma, without a hint of what she’d just been through, simply said, “I didn’t like it too much.”
Me? I looked like I had just lost a fight with a Grizzly bear and was forced to buy a new Revenge of the Mummy T-shirt.
Dead Rooster is the online home of 
Oh, thank you!
That’s just what I needed this morning, tears in my eyes and a pain in my side from laughing so hard.
My favorite part…..“I didn’t like it too much.” LOL!
Love it, thanks!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 7:15 am:
You’re welcome, Rebecca!
I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Reply to this comment
Oh, you had me laughing out loud! Your poor Grandma! She really has the knack for understatement.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 7:17 am:
I couldn’t believe how calm she looked after the ride. It was like it never even happened.
Reply to this comment
“Grandma’s face melts into a rictus skull of terror. Oh, man! Add me to the list of people who needed a belly laugh first thing in the morning! I feel like I was on that ride with you. And now I don’t need that second cup of coffee. I love your grandma. That woman rocks!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 8:24 am:
I am probably the only one in our family to ever see her in a state other than “quiet.”
Reply to this comment
LMFAO I swear to Gawd William I think I just peed myself — I’m literally typing through tears. Thank the Lord she had a strong heart. Hahahahaha…I can’t stop laughing. Wow, I needed that.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 8:25 am:
Thanks, Angie!
By the way, I just offered AN ENTIRE CASE of Tuborg for you…
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 8:56 am:
p.s. Thanks for the Stumble!
Reply to this comment
Nice! Reminds me of the time my senile grandmother kept insisting we take swim trunks to the mall because of their new swimming pool. I left her to herself while I went to buy some candy and returned to find her swimming in the coin fountain. You gotta love those old, wrinkled folks.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 8:27 am:
Haha! You are SO funny, man! Where have you been hiding? I’m glad I found your blog yesterday–great stuff!
Reply to this comment
angie
reply on May 30th, 2011 4:14 pm:
lmfao i just pissed my self and shitted to gosh dats helarious shit!
Reply to this comment
Oh, you can find me in most dive bars performing for a beer or two.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 10:21 am:
So, THAT’S where you’ve been hiding…
Reply to this comment
Hilarious!
They should build one of those rides inside a real pyramid in Egypt. Imagine the tourism possibilities!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 10:18 am:
Great idea! Maybe someone with the Egyptian Tourism Board will see this and make it happen!
Reply to this comment
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! All I can think of is your picture on Flowbee day. hahahahahaha!
Hey, you know they send you backwards to put your spine back into alignment right? hahahahaha
Damn, I need to go ride this one…
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 11:25 am:
If you do ride it, let me know if you see an extra spleen laying around…
Reply to this comment
Hey there. Love the description. I’m assuming that you won’t be heading over to Six Flags Magic Mountain anytime soon, huh. I haven’t been to Universal Studios since forever. The last time I went, it was a walk in the park and with no rides what so ever but I might have to check this Mummy ride out sometime. It sounds worth it.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 2:54 pm:
I have been to Magic Mountain a few times (My ex-wife LOVES rollercoasters), but I have only been there once since they stopped serving beer. LOL
Reply to this comment
OMG! What a vivid, and completely frightening picture! I can just see grandma ripping off your shirt and screaming! I wouldn’t have been able to walk after that!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 5:10 pm:
I was, indeed, a bit wobbly.
Reply to this comment
I’m surprised they let the 70-year-old granny on the ride! This was a riot! I still laughed even when got to the ‘S’ word. “Pooping” wouldn’t have cut it.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 6:33 pm:
You must’ve read my forum post on Humorbloggers! Yes, I think I HAD to use the S-word there. LOL
Reply to this comment
OMG- I peed myself – which isn’t too hard to get me to do these days since I’m 9 months pregnant – but still that was hilarious!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 13th, 2008 6:34 pm:
Thanks, Emily!
You know, there’s no shame in wearing adult diapers when you read my blog… LOL
Reply to this comment
O.M.G. Too funny!! And, I have to agree, the use of the word “shitting” was definitely warranted!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 14th, 2008 5:05 am:
Thanks! I just couldn’t come up with a more precise phrase. I think it works. LOL
Reply to this comment
I choked on my cocoa, pissed my jammies and made all the cats run terrified from the room. Truly, a magnificent post.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 14th, 2008 8:33 am:
Haha! Thank you!
I’m beginning to notice a pattern here–for some reason, this story seems to be inducing some form of involuntary urination.
Reply to this comment
Excellent story, William! I’m glad to have these sorts of warnings about rides. I had an experience in Disney’s Alien Encounter where, due to the wonders of today’s special effects, an alien appears to have slurped my skull– which to this day creeps me out. I would have liked to know in advance, to brace myself, for potential skull-slurping. This sounds very similar to that.
All hail Im-ho-tep.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 14th, 2008 8:36 am:
Thanks, Jenn!
I think if one of these mummies slurped my skull, it would’ve finished me for good. Thanks for the warning about the Alien Encounter–somehow I missed that one during my recent trip to Disney World.
Reply to this comment
OMG that is classic!!! I am sure I would be shitting my pants too. Of course your story did make me wet my pants a little from all the laughing. thanks for that!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 14th, 2008 5:13 pm:
Thank you! Of course, you are one of the few people I thought would actually LIKE this ride! LOL
How about if they came up one based on Suspiria? …no, too many maggots. LOL
Reply to this comment
I used to work there as a ride op on the ET Attraction, which was a slow moving fantasy ride that grandma would have loved. I’ve heard that it’s since been torn out and the building used for the Mummy ride. Haven’t been, so thanks for the update. I remember the portion of the tram ride that went throught the discombobulating mummy’s tomb. You nailed it.. slow, but icky.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 15th, 2008 5:48 am:
When we got on the tram (after the Mummy ride) and go through the tunnel, Evelyn says “THIS is what I was talking about,” referring to the bugs. I think it’s the same tunnel that used to be the Abominable Snowman thing–I’m not sure though.
Anyway, I think ET would’ve been a lot more relaxing for Grandma than the skull-ripping ride we went on. That’s for sure.
Reply to this comment
Have you read Hitchcock’s definition of suspense? http://www.mysterynet.com/books/testimony/mystery-vs-thriller.shtml (third paragraph)
You nailed it. I was on the edge of my seat. I feel sorry for you and that poor woman, but you both seem to be very good sports about it.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 15th, 2008 12:32 pm:
Wow! Morgan, very cool! I actually saw an interview with Hitchcock and he was describing that VERY same concept where he describes the bomb under the table. I never forgot it. I always wished I could see it again, and here you are directing me to it. THANKS!
Reply to this comment
That sounds sweet. I love rollercoasters.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 15th, 2008 3:29 pm:
If you love rollercoasters, I think you’d like this one. It doesn’t have enormous drops or anything, but it’s fast, the backwards feature is surprising and you can’t beat the ambiance.
Reply to this comment
Oh my God! I would love to have seen the picture of you two on that ride. The post was funny enough, I can just imagine how you guys must have looked. What a riot.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 17th, 2008 7:19 am:
During one of the most violent drops they take your picture. I went to buy it, but our faces were obscured. Bummer.
Reply to this comment
I was queasy just reading this – oh how I hate roller coasters (most carnival rides too, really, I am quite the curmudgeon at a fair!). I went on a teeny one once and am still recovering.
That grandma wins the prize for Understatement of the Year – love it!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 18th, 2008 5:54 am:
The rides I REALLY hate are the one’s that spin you around until you throw-up.
Reply to this comment
I laughed and laughed, and am still laughing as I’m typing. Never went on rollercosters before, and something tells me I’ll think twice before i do.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 18th, 2008 5:56 am:
Oh, you have to try it at least once! A lot of people–such as my ex-wife–really love them. I don’t really mind the speed so much as the weightless drops–that’s what gets to me.
Reply to this comment
Cracked up in empathy at the “BANG! The thing instantly goes from 0 to 500 miles-per-hour and Grandma’s face melts into a rictus skull of terror.” I just went on the ride last year and literally cannot imagine my 50-ish parents on the thing, let alone someone your sister-in-law’s mother’s age! Would’ve loved to see her reaction when you told her what the ride really was (or when she reads this post!).
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on November 19th, 2008 11:59 pm:
We told her right after we got off the ride, but she didn’t believe us until we went on the tram tour that brought us through the bug part she was thinking of.
Reply to this comment
Holy Cow!!! I love randomly going through your posts. This one had me laughing so loud my husband came to see what all the racket was about. I forced him to read this (Me: OMG you have to read this! Him: That’s alright, as long as you are alright. Me: Seriously, you have to read this! Him: Not right now. Me: Please, please read this? Him: heavy sigh, Oh, alright) He was guffawing and wanted to know if your Sister In Law was ever told how bad the ride was.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 21st, 2009 7:05 am:
Thanks, Leslie, I appreciate your enthusiasm. This is one of my favorite blog posts — I told this story to several family members and friends and it always gets laughs.
My sister-in-law has been told MANY times by both her mother and me; AND she’s read this blog post. LOL
Reply to this comment
My ribs! Oh, my ribs!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 23rd, 2009 1:20 pm:
Mmmm, ribs…
LOL Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Reply to this comment
lol loved it! ^_^
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on February 3rd, 2009 8:43 am:
Thanks, mantiz! I appreciate that!
Reply to this comment
Glad granny made it out in one piece
Reply to this comment