I make so much money online that I often just sit around the Dead Rooster Mansion puffing on Tiparillos which I carelessly light-up with actual Mexican currency totaling as much as 100 Pesos!
I know what you’re thinking:
Hey, William, you may be way more interesting than that Dos equis guy, but if you’re such a trillionaire, how come you light-up cheap 79-cent Tiparillos and not some form of $2,000 Havana Gold Wealthdrainer cigars rolled by Cuban zombies and containing tobacco extracted from the guano of rare, prehistoric, tobacco-eating Himalayan Squeak Bats which went extinct during the forming of the iridium layer?
…and, further, why do you light them with cheap 100-Peso notes worth less than eight American dollars each when you could be using a much more trillionaireistic currency such as a United States hundred-dollar bill?
Maybe if you stopped thinking so loudly, I could explain!
See, if you were a major trillionaire like me, you’d know that the first two commandments of The Trillionare’s Handbook clearly state:
1. Don’t Smoke Bat Poop!
2. Why torch a hundred when Mexican money is so much more colorful?
But, none of that is important now. What is important, is that you learn how to make your own vast sums of enormous cash on the internet.
How to Make Vast Sums of Enormous Cash on the Internet
The first thing you will need to do is start a blog. There is simply no way to lose money with a blog. You’d literally have to be walking around with a brain the size of an electron while smoking crack all day in order to fail.
Look at me. The money comes non-stop in refrigerated transport helicopters 24-hours a day! Even a lazy upstart like John Chow, who’s blog is not nearly as popular as Dead Rooster, admits to making a decent $40,000 a month. I couldn’t live on it, but, good for him.
So, don’t just sit there! Quit your job immediately and…
Step 1: Go get a cheap (but interesting) domain name
Step 2: Go get cheap (but reliable) web hosting
See what I did there? I used something called “affiliate links” in order to make even more money. It’s the kind of super secret money extraction technique a loose-cannon blogger such as myself could reveal at any moment here at Dead Rooster dot com (better subscribe to my FREE UPDATES right now!)
The next thing you’ll need to do is load a blogging platform such as WordPress onto your server (I’m sorry to report WordPress is free, so no affiliate link. 🙁 ). Normally, loading WordPress is extremely complicated requiring a degree from NASA including a complete understanding of hyperspace; however, if you were smart enough to go through my affiliate link and sign up at Hostgator (which, by the way, is what Dead Rooster runs on), you’ll find a one-button installation in the control panel so easy a moderately-trained squirrel could do it.
Now For The Hard Part
Once you get set up, you’ll have to write something.
This can be either difficult or easy depending on what you’re trying to achieve. If you just want to make money and don’t really care whether it’s interesting to readers or not, you can research keywords to see what people are searching for in your particular genre or niche and write about that. Or, you can do what I do and write about things like the time your pants fell down at the beach or when you flung a flaming dummy onto a speeding ice cream truck.
Note: if you decide to research keywords, do yourself a favor and order Keyword Elite through this affiliate link. It will not only save you hours of research time (it’s simply the best available tool for this), but if enough people buy it, I won’t feel guilty spending $269,000 on that Aston Martin DBS I’ve been looking at:
OK folks, I think I’ve given enough information to get you started. Before you know it, you’ll be buying helicopters.
One last thing:
To any mean lawyers out there ready to sue me because I advised my readers to quit their jobs or because I suggested actual money could be made from blogging:
1: I hereby declare this blog post a joke; it is not meant to be taken seriously by anyone, especially lawyers.
2: Do lawyers always use goofy words like, “hereby,” even in everyday situations such as when ordering pizza?
3: I hereby order a pizza.
4: Do you have an affiliate program?