Dead Rooster: Confessions of a Dot Com Trillionaire
I make so much money online that I often just sit around the Dead Rooster Mansion puffing on Tiparillos which I carelessly light-up with actual Mexican currency totaling as much as 100 Pesos!
I know what you’re thinking:
Hey, William, you may be way more interesting than that Dos equis guy, but if you’re such a trillionaire, how come you light-up cheap 79-cent Tiparillos and not some form of $2,000 Havana Gold Wealthdrainer cigars rolled by Cuban zombies and containing tobacco extracted from the guano of rare, prehistoric, tobacco-eating Himalayan Squeak Bats which went extinct during the forming of the iridium layer?
Well, I…
…and, further, why do you light them with cheap 100-Peso notes worth less than eight American dollars each when you could be using a much more trillionaireistic currency such as a United States hundred-dollar bill?
Maybe if you stopped thinking so loudly, I could explain!
See, if you were a major trillionaire like me, you’d know that the first two commandments of The Trillionare’s Handbook clearly state:
1. Don’t Smoke Bat Poop!
2. Why torch a hundred when Mexican money is so much more colorful?
But, none of that is important now. What is important, is that you learn how to make your own vast sums of enormous cash on the internet.
How to Make Vast Sums of Enormous Cash on the Internet
The first thing you will need to do is start a blog. There is simply no way to lose money with a blog. You’d literally have to be walking around with a brain the size of an electron while smoking crack all day in order to fail.
Look at me. The money comes non-stop in refrigerated transport helicopters 24-hours a day! Even a lazy upstart like John Chow, who’s blog is not nearly as popular as Dead Rooster, admits to making a decent $40,000 a month. I couldn’t live on it, but, good for him.
So, don’t just sit there! Quit your job immediately and…
Step 1: Go get a cheap (but interesting) domain name
Step 2: Go get cheap (but reliable) web hosting
See what I did there? I used something called “affiliate links” in order to make even more money. It’s the kind of super secret money extraction technique a loose-cannon blogger such as myself could reveal at any moment here at Dead Rooster dot com (better subscribe to my FREE UPDATES right now!)
The next thing you’ll need to do is load a blogging platform such as WordPress onto your server (I’m sorry to report WordPress is free, so no affiliate link. 
). Normally, loading WordPress is extremely complicated requiring a degree from NASA including a complete understanding of hyperspace; however, if you were smart enough to go through my affiliate link and sign up at Hostgator (which, by the way, is what Dead Rooster runs on), you’ll find a one-button installation in the control panel so easy a moderately-trained squirrel could do it.
Now For The Hard Part
Once you get set up, you’ll have to write something.
This can be either difficult or easy depending on what you’re trying to achieve. If you just want to make money and don’t really care whether it’s interesting to readers or not, you can research keywords to see what people are searching for in your particular genre or niche and write about that. Or, you can do what I do and write about things like the time your pants fell down at the beach or when you flung a flaming dummy onto a speeding ice cream truck.
Note: if you decide to research keywords, do yourself a favor and order Keyword Elite through this affiliate link. It will not only save you hours of research time (it’s simply the best available tool for this), but if enough people buy it, I won’t feel guilty spending $269,000 on that Aston Martin DBS I’ve been looking at:
OK folks, I think I’ve given enough information to get you started. Before you know it, you’ll be buying helicopters.
One last thing:
To any mean lawyers out there ready to sue me because I advised my readers to quit their jobs or because I suggested actual money could be made from blogging:
- 1: I hereby declare this blog post a joke; it is not meant to be taken seriously by anyone, especially lawyers.
2: Do lawyers always use goofy words like, “hereby,” even in everyday situations such as when ordering pizza?
3: I hereby order a pizza.
4: Do you have an affiliate program?
Dead Rooster is the online home of 
Thanks for the great tips! I think I have figured out what I have been doing wrong now. Tomorrow, I am going to write a post entitled: I might have Mesothelioma! I hope I can start making lots of moneys soon, too.
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William McCamment
reply on August 29th, 2009 4:05 pm:
You must be making SOME money… you have one of the greatest cat wardrobes I’ve ever seen! My cats ALWAYS give me dirty looks after they read your blog.
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I hereby declare that I will not smoke bat poop and will torch Mexican money the first chance I get!
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William McCamment
reply on August 29th, 2009 4:06 pm:
You have taken the first step toward becoming a dot com trillionaire. Congratulations!
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Your satirical view on the make money online genre was priceless! You pegged those boys so well and made me laugh hysterically in the process. Not only that, but you have found a very clever upfront way of getting those affiliate links out there. Long live superb satire
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William McCamment
reply on August 29th, 2009 4:08 pm:
“priceless!” Haha! THAT is priceless!
Thanks for the kind words; I’m glad you enjoyed it.
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Thanks to your sound advice, I am on my way to being a dot com trillionaire myself. Byt the way, that Aston is nice…for a starter car.
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William McCamment
reply on August 29th, 2009 4:10 pm:
Don’t forget not to smoke bat poop. A lot of people miss that part.
I was going to get a $1.5-million dollar Aston Martin One-77, but I don’t like to flaunt my riches.
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I like your positive insights on this post. It encourages me to go further with my dreams.
Though the hard part of your advice is to write and to quit my job, I say that we must take certain reasonable risks in order to discover our true capacities.
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William McCamment
reply on September 2nd, 2009 9:54 am:
You’re absolutely right. I’ve had to force myself to take risks; sometimes everything works out, sometimes it doesn’t, but without risks, you cannot grow. By the way, I checked our your blog. Nice resource for bloggers!
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You just got the Superior Scribbler Award. I hope you’ll like it. Please stop by Magick Sandwich to pick it up!
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William McCamment
reply on September 2nd, 2009 10:01 am:
Thanks so much for thinking of me with this award! I’m so honored!
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Cool post especially since I just had to put old JOHN CHOW in check anyway I know you got pinged by that LINK that was under the second video ? IT was there BEFORE you came by
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William McCamment
reply on September 7th, 2009 6:47 pm:
Sorry, bro! I didn’t check the link! I was only kidding around anyway, I know you always do me right. You’re the best.
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This post of yours is absolutely hilarious William
And here is to us – all future Internet Trillionairs – go make your dreams come true Big Time 
And in between – submit your blogs on the http://blogswirl.com while it’s still free 
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William McCamment
reply on September 7th, 2009 6:49 pm:
Future? I’m a trillionaire NOW!
(what you believe, you can achieve). LOL
Thanks, Tatiana!
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Hilarious post. I do like Hostgator as a cheap web host in order to carry out all of my huge money making schemes.
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I used to remember John Chow posting his monthly income stats and I wonder how can he earn that much when Google started sandbagging his site.
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William McCamment
reply on April 29th, 2011 3:37 pm:
Believe it or not, he would still be making decent money even if he removed his blog from the internet because he has promoted affiliate programs with recurring billing.
For example, every time someone signs up for Aweber through his affiliate link, he gets a commission every month as long as they are a subscriber.
Pretty cool, huh?
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Did Dead Rooster die? Looks like no posts for about one year now. Actually, I found your site while googling “how to kill a rooster” because I have one in a tree in my backyard that starts crowing at 1 a.m. and doesn’t stop until I get out of bed and throw rocks at him. Guess I shouldn’t have done that because I think I might have broken my neighbor’s window. Anyway, I tried registering the domain killtherooster.com, but it was already taken. Maybe I’ll use the .net and make my millions with a how to blog. Thanks for the tips.
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Funny! “I hearby declare this blog post a joke” this really made me lose my control for a while!
Don’t quit entertaining!
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As a lawyer I hereby register my concern and emotional distress over your blog. Hereinafter I request that you cease and desist making fun of lawyers!:)
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