Dead Rooster at Sea–Face Down in an Ocean of Terror
“Thar be no pyrates in these waters, but I warn ye, beware the sea lions, for they’re mischievous critters with a taste for blood…human blood…”
Having seen over eight-billion horror movies, I’m often asked what I think is the scariest movie ever made. My answer is always the same and always immediate—no need to mull it over—I know without-a-doubt that the scariest movie ever made is Jaws.
For those of you that haven’t seen the film, it’s about an extremely large, often excitable fish with the unpopular habit of converting frolicking, splash-happy teenagers into random chunks of floating sirloin.
Back in the summer of 1975 when the movie was new, it was considered quite intense. I was fifteen and my cousin Steve, who saw the movie with me, was fourteen. We saw it together on a hot Friday night in June, and then—with genius equaling that of a package of frozen hot dogs—we did the direct opposite of what you’d expect someone to do after witnessing vicious ocean-related carnage on the big screen: we got up at 4:30 a.m. the following morning and went surfing…in the ocean…where sharks live.
We got to the beach before daybreak. The moon was out giving off an eerie glow not unlike that of the opening scene of Jaws. The sea was unusually calm with waves almost too small to bother with, but every so often a decent sized swell would break making it surfable, but just barely.
As we waxed up our surfboards the sun began to bleed above the horizon and it became evident we were the only two people there aside from a lone Asian woman, pants rolled up to her knees, walking along the shoreline. Normally, there is at least a handful of other surfers, but probably due to the small waves, no one else showed up. I’m not very easily spooked, but I can tell you there are very few times in my life as creepy as the moment we began wading out into the water that morning.
That morning the ocean floor had developed what’s called a “sandbar.” What this means is that the ocean was much more shallow than usual and even though you were out past the waves, you could still stand on the sea bottom with the water level only reaching about chest high. This made it a lot easier because you didn’t have to paddle against the current and could simply walk out pushing your surfboard along the surface.
Once we got out there, we had to wait for a wave that was big enough to ride on. Finally, after about a half-hour, a moderately sized wave came along and Steve rode it all the way in to the beach, then he walked away from the water, stabbed the tail of his surfboard into the sand, and sat. He wasn’t coming back. The waves were just too small.
So, now I am way out there all alone in chest-high water, arms resting on my surfboard, waiting for a wave and thinking about Jaws. Fifteen minutes roll by, then something big—something alive and slippery—brushed up against my leg.
Believe it or not, my first thought was not that it was a shark, but that it was Steve who returned to play a cruel joke on me. I looked back to the shore and could see him lying on a beach towel next to his surfboard. This led to my second thought:
SHARK!
Shark experts in southern California are constantly telling us, “If you encounter a shark, do not panic! The worst thing you can do is freak-out and start splashing around like a wounded harp seal.” But, since there weren’t any shark experts around, I decided that “freaking-out” was the perfect solution.
The first thing I tried to do was get up out of the water and onto my surfboard.
Here’s an important, yet little known, fact about modern surfboards: if you are not skimming along the water, such as when hydroplaning along the face of a wave, a surfboard will not completely support your weight above water—in other words, it sinks.
I can see a dark form circling me and it’s big. Much bigger than anything I’ve ever encountered in my many years of surfing. I’ve seen sharks out there before, but usually they are maybe three-feet long; this thing is easily six-or-seven-feet long and swimming at high speed.
So there I am trying to keep all of my body parts out of the water by balancing on a sinking surfboard and I lose sight of the creature—I don’t know where it is and that’s almost as frightening as watching it circle me.
I hear a tremendous splash behind me, I turn to look and come face to face with it:
A sea lion.
I begin to relax, because, well, sea lions don’t generally eat humans. Besides, the way he’s looking at me reminds me of a large, but playful dog with long frisky whiskers and tiny ears.
Then, it sort of, “honked” at me.
The honk projected outward in a tremendous blast; it was a cross between a 146-decibel dog bark, an old-fashioned bicycle horn, and Captain Quint scraping his fingernails on the chalkboard in the Amity Island town hall.
The sound startled me so much that I lost my balance on the surfboard which caused it to pop out of the water and smack me in the face. Then the sea lion leaned toward me and honked again! Even louder!
It wants to bite me!
I jumped out of the water so fast that my shorts came off. Lucky for me, they got hung-up on my “leash”—a five-foot length of bungee cord that attaches at the ankle and to the surfboard so it won’t get away from you if you fall off—otherwise, I would’ve been stranded without swim trunks.
I paddled away faster than a jet-ski at full-throttle—no pants; no shame. I did not look back; I just kept paddling until I was scooping sand.
When I finally reached the shore, I stood up with my surfboard—shorts around one ankle—and walked herky/jerky Frankenstein style, completely naked, with my bathing suit flopping in the sand. The Asian woman, who saw the entire event, was standing right in front of me laughing hysterically and pointing at a part of my anatomy that, due to the cold water and furious terror, had shriveled up to the size of a Spanish peanut.
After frantically navigating my swimsuit back on, I quickly ran up to Steve and found him lying on his towel, snoring. I woke him up and told him the whole story, to which he stared at me in blank-faced silence for a long moment, then finally replied, “We should go see Jaws again…”
Dead Rooster is the online home of 
Ah, tales of that special kind of genius that comes from youth….
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William McCamment
reply on July 17th, 2008 6:38 pm:
Yeah, anytime I run out of ideas for blog posts, I simply think back to my childhood. LOL
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Its worth the read and the sea lion wanted to ‘honk’ you alright
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William McCamment
reply on July 17th, 2008 6:39 pm:
Thanks! …sort of…
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Claire
reply on July 18th, 2008 7:23 am:
It was a compliment
Not everyone is attractive to sea lions
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Heh heh Very funny
I voted for you too !
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William McCamment
reply on July 17th, 2008 6:39 pm:
Thanks, Jane, I appreciate it.
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Quick! Get Spielberg on the phone! I think we have a new film idea for him…
Honk.
‘Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water..HONK!’.
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William McCamment
reply on July 17th, 2008 7:12 pm:
Spielberg would be a real knucklehead if he turned that one down!
Love the title!
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Great story, Roost. Love these reach-back-to-lost-youth yarns. Well done.
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William McCamment
reply on July 18th, 2008 7:59 am:
Thanks, Jack!
I sometimes look back on my childhood and wonder how it is that I’m not writing this from the grave. LOL
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Hey, this film drove me nuts as a child! Enough said! haha
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William McCamment
reply on July 18th, 2008 8:00 am:
I seriously think it’s the scariest movie ever made. Frightening!
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Oh, dear God. I need to stop laughing before I wake the kids! Having just watched Jaws last week, this was even funnier.
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William McCamment
reply on July 18th, 2008 8:01 am:
Oh, go ahead and laugh–you deserve it!
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Your poor bruised 14-year-old ego. I was about the same age when I saw Jaws too. And I still think it’s one of the scariest movies ever. Took me at least 10 years to go back in the water.
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William McCamment
reply on July 18th, 2008 6:57 pm:
I used to go surfing a lot when I was that age and I had never before, nor have I since, had to deal with a large sea creature like that. The first time I go surfing right after seeing Jaws though…
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William, what possessed you two to even go near the beach after watching that movie? You are damned lucky it wasn’t a shark. You are also damned lucky the sea lion did not go for your “minnow” Ha ha
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William McCamment
reply on July 18th, 2008 7:00 pm:
We probably wouldn’t have went, but we were both too young to drive back then, and we had bugged my dad to take us on that Saturday days before we saw Jaws–so, we had to take the ride or miss out on some surfing. LOL
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this story is a HOOT! I especially love that the sea lion freaked you out with his honk, as all I can picture in my head is the cute sea lion from “50 First Dates” – more like a gentle giant! Of course running free with your skivvies around your ankles must have been an eye opener!
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William McCamment
reply on July 20th, 2008 4:29 am:
Actually, sea lions can be quite mischievous. I’ve seen then swim along with surfers and knock them off their surfboards while they’re riding waves. Dolphins do it too!
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William great story.You know I can stop by bumming a little and I always leave for the better,thanks man.Great writing.
Stumbled
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William McCamment
reply on July 20th, 2008 4:34 am:
Thanks, John! I’m always glad to hear I’ve brightened someone’s day. And, I’m always glad to get Stumbled! LOL
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LMAO @
“Quick! Get Spielberg on the phone! I think we have a new film idea for him…
Honk.
‘Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water..HONK!’.”
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William McCamment
reply on July 20th, 2008 4:37 am:
The author of that hilarious comment can be found at lordlikely [dot] co [dot] uk. Or, you can find him in my blogroll under The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely. He’s a riot!
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Actually they Bark http://www.seaworld.org/animal-info/sound-library/index.htm
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William McCamment
reply on July 20th, 2008 11:36 am:
Who’s word are you going to take, some well-recognized oceanographic organization, or me?
Actually, in the post, I described it as: “…a cross between a 146-decibel dog bark…” etc.
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William McCamment
reply on July 20th, 2008 11:44 am:
…also, that sound byte does not begin to demonstrate the force behind the blast when you are a mere three feet away.
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Heh heh
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Ha man, I haven’t laughed out loud at a blog entry in a while…but this one I did. You have a good writing style that actually allows the reader to get a great visual from your blogging.
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William McCamment
reply on July 23rd, 2008 5:29 am:
Thanks, Sara, I’m glad you liked it!
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Ürkütücü. Allahtan bizim buralarda yok
yoksa denizi işi olmazdı
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William McCamment
reply on July 23rd, 2008 5:30 am:
I have no idea what language that is, or what you wrote, but I recognize the smiley face!
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Haha, I haven’t managed to read such a long blog post in a looong while, but yours got me hooked until the end.
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William McCamment
reply on July 23rd, 2008 6:52 pm:
It was kind of a long one. I’m glad you stuck with it and enjoyed it.
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Haha.
I snowboard… I skateboard… but I will never EVER surf!
and it’s all because of Jaws.
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William McCamment
reply on July 24th, 2008 5:16 am:
I surf, I skateboard, but I will never snowboard.
…because I’m a doofus and would wind-up killing myself.
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I was thinking the other day when I had my family at the beach with me, how my boys will probably never look at the ocean the same way my generation does; with the notion that wading out even pit-deep could result in the loss of limb!
Jaws remains an all-time scary flick in my book!
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William McCamment
reply on July 25th, 2008 9:22 am:
Just last year (or, was it early this year?) we had a great white shark attack off the coast of San Diego–not too far from where I used to go surfing. I’m not planning on surfing again anytime soon.
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“Open Water” is freakier than Jaws. Jaws may be “scary” but Open Water “disturbs” you and instead of the sort of hopefulness you feel at the end of Jaws that some of the characters survived and are going to go paddle themselves to a sequel…but with Open Water you feel cold on the inside as if you had no soul.
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William McCamment
reply on July 25th, 2008 9:23 am:
I think I’ll steer clear of Open Water.
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THAT was an awesome read. Thanks for sharing. I have a shark story too…In 1998 I was at Hilton Head Island. It was a hot day, near 100, and the water was 88–very much like bathwater. There were hundreds of us out swimming in the water and soaking up the sun. Swimming out to the sandbar, swimming back in, splashing all around.
Later that night on the news, a helicopter reporter had a videoed all the people out in the water, and from several hundred feet, the most startling aspect of the shot were all shadows milling about in between the humans having blind fun in the water. That’s right…hundreds of sharks were out there with us. At any moment, any one of them could have taken a nice thigh-size bite of human tenderloin.
After that incident, I haven’t been back to the ocean. I grew up in Detroit and learned to swim in Lake Michigan. There is nothing in the Great Lakes that can eat me. I paddle whitewater rivers. There is nothing in a whitewater river that can eat me either–at least in North America. There are crocodiles in Africa.
When I go out to have fun, I just don’t want to offer myself up on the menu for other earthlings at the same level or just a bit higher on the food chain, you know?
Cheers!
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William McCamment
reply on July 26th, 2008 3:52 am:
Wow! That is pretty frightening! I can see why you wouldn’t want to go back in the ocean–always having that scenario in the back of your mind.
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You forgot to tell everyone that you used to surf without getting your hair wet….knowing this always made this story funnier (makes me giggle every time!)
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William McCamment
reply on July 28th, 2008 12:02 pm:
You’re right, that would’ve been a funny point to make; however, the story was getting kind of long, so I left out a few things. 1,150 words!
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Wohooo Another person who loves horror movies LOL
Tried to vote but link or clicking on the site doesn’t work.
Loved the story by the way.
The Birds terrified me. When I first saw it was in Black and White. Then I got see it again in Colour (color) OMG
Jaws is up ther too and still can’t bring myself to swim in the ocean.
PS How is your Spanish Peanut ROFLMAO
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William McCamment
reply on August 6th, 2008 9:48 am:
Hi Wendy!
I love horror movies! Did you know that Disney did all the “flocks of birds” scenes in that movie? Hilarious!
I contacted Rob at humor-blogs and he says he thinks he’s fixed the voting problem. Please let me know if it still doesn’t work.
My Spanish peanut is fine now. LOL
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“random chunks of floating sirloin.” Well done!
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