Dead Rooster’s Sure Fire Method for Seducing Women
People see me with beautiful women all the time and wonder: how is this crazy, old– but, admittedly, pretty incredibly hot – man able to consistently land such foxy young starlets? What’s his secret?
Well, guys, it’s easier than you might think and I’m about to reveal it to you right now. At the same time, I’m going to get every woman that reads today’s post hotter than the freshly-cooked buttermilk waffles I just pulled from the iron. (Incidentally: the waffles were created using batter I made from scratch.)
I’ve decided that the best way to reveal my method is to simply seduce my female readers, right here, right now, and allow the guys out there see me in action. Take notes fellas – here goes:
Baby, I want to clean your toilets. I want to clean them so bad it hurts. I want to scrub and scrub and use INDUSTIAL STRENGTH cleansers!
You’re starting to like me already, aren’t you…
Take me to your refrigerator! Yeah, that’s right; I’m throwing out ALL the old mayonnaise! I’m throwing out that pickle jar that’s been in there since 2005 and contains only juice… I’m going to clear everything out and make sure I disinfect every exposed surface before I put everything back in a neat and orderly fashion… and, get this: I’m going to put the drawers in the right way so they won’t get stuck when you try to slide them!
Oh, we’re just getting started, sweetheart…
I’m gonna’ do your laundry. Oh, yes, the laundry! AND I AM NOT GOING TO SHRINK YOUR FAVORITE SWEATER! I’ll be using only the manufacturers recommended detergents and fabric softeners! Are you HOT yet, baby? I know you gotta be gettin’ hot!
I’m going to dust your furniture!
I’m going to vacuum your carpets!
I’m going to remove the dead rodent from your basement BEFORE it turns to dust…
I’m going to TAKE OUT YOUR TRASH EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT WAY OVER FULL YET!
All right, ladies… Calm down – you’re starting to fog-up the computer screen.
Anyone ready to ride the Rooster Train to Love Land?
(see how it’s done, guys?)
Did you know you can get Dead Rooster delivered straight into your email box or RSS feed reader? Visit the top of the sidebar to subscribe. It’s FREE!
Dead Rooster is the online home of 
Hey, no fair.. I hit photofunia first!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 6:31 am:
Nope! Hate to tell you, but you’re WAY behind me: Click the “incredibly hot” link near the top of my story. I Photofunia’d a long time ago. LOL
Reply to this comment
For a dead rooster you are pretty damn slick. You are all that and a bag of chips. Yes I admit you have made me hot. Now if all the guys reading this would actually follow through with these sweet whisperings there would be lovemaking going on all over the world ! Yeah baby.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 8:10 am:
“Slick” is my middle name; Dead “Slick” Rooster, they call me. Now, about those chips…
Reply to this comment
Hey! Back offa MY MAN there Miss Ettarose! Will you REALLY clean the refrigerator? Wait, I need to go get a towel to wipe off my computer screen…will you promise not to trim your facial hair right after the bathroom is cleaned? Will you promise to notice that I’ve cleaned anything AT ALL before; taking a big spattery poop in it, wearing your size 13 muddy shoes to walk all over it, smearing hand prints and fingertip grease on it as you point stuff out? Will you mow the lawn before it gets higher than my knees? Will you change the bed occasionally or possibly notice that I’ve changed it before it started to smell bad? If you can answer yes to all these questions, I’ll contact a divorce lawyer today!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 8:12 am:
Hey, I may be a philanderer, but I’m no home wrecker!
Reply to this comment
Karen
reply on January 5th, 2009 9:53 am:
Okay, if I win ya, you can be my second husband…every girl needs at least two right? I’ll be practicing my poker skills, and preparing the hubby to share. Bring the chips with you too.
Reply to this comment
Ah, I see the girls are already fighting over you… In moments, someone will have slapped somebody else, and then both of them are going to fall into the pool, pulling at each other’s hair.
See what you started, Rooster? I mean, I know everyone needs appreciation and attention, but… at what price?
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 8:21 am:
The first half of your comment got me really hot! …but, the second half shames me.
Reply to this comment
Karen
reply on January 5th, 2009 9:51 am:
Miss Jenn I would never slap Ettarose! I think perhaps a nice game of poker, winner gets The Rooster, all the booze in the loser’s house, and any loose cash that might be laying around. Sound sporting ladies?
Reply to this comment
Jenn Thorson
reply on January 7th, 2009 11:20 am:
Oh– well, since you have a gameplan! Right then– good luck, Ladies! I can be bribed to root one of you on by things like Entrecard points, Humorbloggers reviews and, um, Barbecue Fritos.
Reply to this comment
Probably without meaning to you’ve hit it right on the mark. My theory is that men love a clean house, a tidy existence, hot food on the table and all their messes cleaned up without them having to hear about it. That’s one of the reasons I spend most of my day in the salon and hire a cleaner for my home. My husband loooovesss me. I do to.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 8:22 am:
Oh, no, I meant to.
You’re husband is a lucky man.
Reply to this comment
Um, do you think you would mind cleaning my litter box?
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 10:21 am:
If I do, do you think we could…you know, share some catnip?
Reply to this comment
Lol! Wow, ya got it bad huh? Just get a hooker. It’d be a lot cheaper and no strings attached!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 10:46 am:
Hookers! Are you serious? Aren’t you worried you’ll wake up one morning with mushrooms growing on parts of your anatomy?
Reply to this comment
You had me at disinfectant. You are such a tease. There are not any men like you. It’s a myth like the unicorn. Maybe, just maybe y’all might lift the toilet seat and put it back down so I don’t fall in late at night (though I think you guys secretly like hearing us fall in) and you might even take out the dead rodent but organizing the refrigerator? I don’t think so.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 11:23 am:
Are you kidding me! Refrigerators are the BEST!
Reply to this comment
Hmmm… Mr. Tiggy does the ironing and cleaning. Is he triyng to seduce me?
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 11:24 am:
Oh, baby, you’ve hit paydirt… Hang on to that guy!
Reply to this comment
Barry White.. I hear Barry White’s voice….. whispering so low in my ear…”‘Baby, I want to clean your toilets… I want to clean them so bad it hurts….” no other words can get me so in the mood! This dead rooster is damn hot!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 1:09 pm:
Haha! Great, Mizdi!
Maybe I should’ve piped in some Barry White for the readers of this post! LOL
Reply to this comment
You hot, sexy stud you! About half way through I sounded like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally…I swear! Seriously Mister, you’ve got it goin’ on. I knew there were other reasons I loved you. I mean, other than the obvious good looks and hot bod!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 2:17 pm:
Baby, you already seduced me a LONG time ago!
Reply to this comment
Damn, I think you turned me on. The toilet is down the hall, second door on the right. Everything you need is under the sink. See you in a few hours.
Not me? Oh. Wait a second, “honey, would you come here for a second?” “I’ve got a dead rooster for you…”
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 4:34 pm:
What a sicko.
Reply to this comment
Wayne John
reply on January 8th, 2009 11:59 am:
hahahaha! I need to remember to revisit to catch the insults. I just had to hire a friend to come clean the house because I can’t find time to do it myself.
She’s a good girl though.
Yeah…sicko…I’ll take that. haha
Reply to this comment
OK, you had me at the thought of you cleaning the toilet. Any man that would risk his life wrangling the funk that drop in there,is a GOD in my eyes!!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 6:05 pm:
What in the hell IS that stuff? LOL
Reply to this comment
I know my lady is safe from your charms. I’m pretty sure she likes to do all that stuff after work. It probably helps relax her or something.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 6:06 pm:
Hahahaha! That is HILARIOUS! No wonder you won the Humor Blogger of the Year award.
Reply to this comment
You dirty old pervert! Email me, and I’ll totally give you my address and phone number.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 6:22 pm:
Just make sure the toilets are good and dirty…
Reply to this comment
All aboard!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 10:14 pm:
Whoo-whoo!
Reply to this comment
Either some woman taught you really well, or you’re one man in a thousand who’s actually been paying attention.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 5th, 2009 10:16 pm:
…make that, ONE IN A MILLION!
Thanks, Angi!
Reply to this comment
Can I still do the laundry (it soothes me)? I’ll trade you keeping the garage tidy enough to actually keep the car parked inside it instead. Then we’ve got a deal.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 6th, 2009 7:40 am:
Deal.
Reply to this comment
omg…i’m so close…
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 6th, 2009 7:41 am:
Best comment I have EVER got…
Reply to this comment
I never was so hot as when I last saw Joe from the back as he was vacuuming. Something about that back and forth motion. . . . but I contained my excitement until he was finished.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 6th, 2009 11:40 am:
“…but I contained my excitement until he was finished.”
Hahaha! That’s hilarious!
Reply to this comment
and if anyone believes a word of this…….he has a bridge to sell you also!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 6th, 2009 11:45 am:
Stop chasing off the customers! And, I know it’s impressive, but seriously, calling it a “bridge” is a little extreme, don’t you think?
Reply to this comment
Uni
reply on January 6th, 2009 2:16 pm:
not in the least (big smile)
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 6th, 2009 2:28 pm:
Wait!! I get you first since I have the matching cowgirl hat that goes with yours!!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 6th, 2009 3:25 pm:
I know, I’ve seen your NAUGHTY cowgirl hat…
Reply to this comment
you’re right! no woman can resist you now!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 7th, 2009 12:38 pm:
It’s all in the scrubbing, baby!
Reply to this comment
Choo Choo baby!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 7th, 2009 12:51 pm:
Don’t forget your flotation device, we’re going to make lots of suds!
Reply to this comment
Just say you do stinky diapers, and you got me, baby.
Excellent post! Very funny.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 7th, 2009 12:52 pm:
I think I need to come up with a Stinky Baby-Diaper solution.
Reply to this comment
plead the 5th, I always do and will
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 7th, 2009 4:42 pm:
You are very wise.
Reply to this comment
Will you travel to Maine? I’ll pay extra. I don’t have a matching cowgirl hat like Chelle, but I do have matching hair to yours.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 7th, 2009 4:43 pm:
…you mean, like in my “fabulous” photo?
I hope not! LOL
Reply to this comment
Just one thing – does that mean that all cleaners are also players? I used to do a bit of cleaning at the local pub on my student hols and didn’t get half as much action as when I started pulling pints – then again my memory is cloudy these days – so long ago.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 8th, 2009 3:25 pm:
Most cleaners have no idea the power they possess and therefore don’t use it to their advantage.
Pulling prints is a cool job, dude. I wish I would’ve learned to do that. I’m a big fan of that type of art.
Reply to this comment
At first I really thought you were being serious and then realised later and you made me smile – love the post and a great blog!
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 8th, 2009 4:22 pm:
Hopefully, it hit you when you got to the “I want to scrub your toilets, baby!”
Reply to this comment
Business blog
reply on January 9th, 2009 3:24 am:
Yes you are absolutely right!
)
Reply to this comment
Its a good thing my wife wasn’t in the room when I read that, or she might get the wrong idea.
Like laundry.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 9th, 2009 6:20 am:
Come on, Jinksy! Wax the floors and really get her hot!
Reply to this comment
Excellent, that’s a day in my life. Now that I don’t need a job outside the house
I always have plenty of dishes waiting and actually going to do two loads of laundry right after Steve Wilkos is over
Thanks for the smiles
Stumbled
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 9th, 2009 7:46 pm:
Thanks, John!
I’ve seen the photos of you and those hotties. Now we know how you do it!
Reply to this comment
You know you’re old when you use the word “foxy” to describe all of your lady friends.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 9th, 2009 7:52 pm:
I also used the word, “starlets.”
Reply to this comment
Bummer part is, you have to follow through.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 10th, 2009 3:42 pm:
Of course you do! But, isn’t it worth it?
Reply to this comment
Josh
reply on January 12th, 2009 12:55 pm:
After some deep, pensive thought, I disagree. I think the surefire way to seduce women is the cowboy hat you are wearing in your picture. In a non-gay way, I was almost seduced. The cooking, ironing and cleaning you’re ready to do for your lady type, that’s just icing on the cake. Wear that hat and wear it well, amigo.
Reply to this comment
Good Lord, where are my smelling salts? I do declare, Dead Rooster, you do have a way with women!
And now if you’ll excuse me, this goat needs to change her panties.
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on January 10th, 2009 3:45 pm:
Shall I wash them for you too, madam?
Reply to this comment
Nooooooo!!!! The only time I want to see a guy in rubber gloves is during a gyne exam.
I’d rather see a guy sporting a magnum and a serious bulge than Mr Muscle Kitchen cleaner. Pinnys just don’t do it for me. (With or without pants underneath.)
Reply to this comment
William McCamment
reply on October 26th, 2009 11:46 am:
This is only the seduction part! Then it’s off with the gloves and unholstering the magnum.
Reply to this comment