Cocoa Comets Cereal: What Dreams May Come?
Stater Bros. Cocoa Comets Cereal: A sweet part of a nutritious breakfast, or mind altering hallucinogenic dream enhancer?
Men should never be allowed to go grocery shopping unattended. If we are, we will always come home with either A: several cartons labeled Beers of the World containing many obscure and unusual tasting beers from many lands; or B: at least one food product designed exclusively for child-type nervous systems, usually with colorful and exciting sugar-based packaging.
Yesterday I went shopping. Since my refrigerator was already full of a mysterious, life-form producing beer from Porcupine, Alabama, I decided to go with two boxes of Cocoa Comets cereal. I had never even heard of it before, but it was on sale for two bucks a box and the illustration on the front suggested an astronaut-oriented-chocolate-fantasy. I had to have it!
When I was a kid, it was easy to tell which breakfast cereals could potentially kill you; they always had the word “sugar” in the title: Sugar Crisp; Sugar Smacks; Sugar Pops; Sugar Frosted Flakes, etc. But, over the years, things changed: now you have to read the list of ingredients to figure it out, and let’s face it, I’m not going to do that unless I eat the product, begin hallucinating and need to find the emergency hotline number.
So, last night, just before bed, I decided to try some. Before I knew it half the box was gone and I was flying around the house like Superman. This stuff tasted better than anything I’ve eaten in 20-years! I loved it! Of course, it didn’t take long before I was experiencing a sleep comparable to a morphine-induced coma.
I’m not sure what they put in this stuff, but the dream I had was weird on a scale that is off the charts! It involved an oversized, steam-powered mechanical vehicle rolling at a snails pace down the street sucking up screaming, panicked pedestrians that should have been able to outrun it, but for some reason, could not escape.
Each person, after being captured, was instantly converted into a fully-articulated garden gnome featuring the classic pointy-red-hat and white beard. One by one they were shot from a large cannon-like smokestack which sent most of them into the trees and onto rooftops; others simply crashed to the ground where, uninjured, they scurried off to create mischief.
What was most disturbing to me though was that every person that was once terrified and running for their life was now happy, even gleeful to have been converted into an evil little garden gnome. Unfortunately, I woke up before I found out what type of diabolical plans they were to unleash.
To those of my readers that happen to work in the psychiatric community, please consider that this was most likely just a children’s cereal-induced episode before you decide to send the guys with the white coats and butterfly nets.
Comments
Comment from Jinksy
Time: March 18, 2008, 8:54 am
Wow.
If the company that produces this stuff could afford to do commercials, they should include your dream as part of the campaign.
Comment from William McCamment
Time: March 18, 2008, 9:19 am
Jinksy–
I know. I’ve never heard of them before. I think they may be a store brand version of Cocoa Puffs.
Comment from Jillian
Time: March 19, 2008, 2:11 am
This sounds like something you reserve a whole weekend for.
Comment from William McCamment
Time: March 19, 2008, 2:12 am
Jillian–
I think that a whole weekend would result in an overdose. You should probably think twice before engaging in such activity.
Comment from TheMrs
Time: March 19, 2008, 9:04 pm
I need to see I can find that here. I sure as hell could use some hallucinagetic energy around THIS house!
I laughed at your dream though. It sounds like one of the many bizarre-o dreams I have.. even without the sugary, crunchy goodiness of sugar coated gut bombs.
BTW.. when I was growing up, my mom never let us have anything with sugar in it. 
We had to eat plain Cheerios WITHOUT sugar. What kind of sick and twisted person does that to a kid!? Huh, huh!?!
Comment from William McCamment
Time: March 20, 2008, 1:49 am
TheMrs–
If you are already having bizarre-o dreams, maybe eating them would induce psychic dreams for you. Then you could win the lottery!
Comment from offendedblogger
Time: March 20, 2008, 9:29 pm
Hmmm… I am tempted to try those now. I could use some better dreams, mine have been so dull lately! I miss the days when I dreamed of evil little garden gnomes, I must be getting old.
Comment from William McCamment
Time: March 21, 2008, 7:34 am
offended–
Anyone packing the kind of ordnance you do (yes, I saw the power bow) should not be permitted to eat Cocoa Comets before bedtime. When the clock clicked over to 3:00am you could easily have an Amityville Horror situation on your hands.
Comment from BrentD
Time: March 22, 2008, 9:03 am
Hmmmm. It sounds like this gnoming might make a good mental therapy. Imagine a world full of happy little evil bearded people.
Okay, let’s not.
Comment from William McCamment
Time: March 22, 2008, 10:24 am
Brent–
A gnoming we will go, a gnoming we will go…
Comment from .45
Time: March 22, 2008, 3:26 pm
That was an awesome dream and a good laugh. I have to see if my dealer can hook me up with Cocoa Comets.
Comment from William McCamment
Time: March 22, 2008, 4:31 pm
.45–
Start slow and don’t get carried away. It could lead to much harder cereals.
Comment from Claire
Time: March 22, 2008, 5:27 pm
Awww we don’t get them over here in the UK
As a counsellor in training I recommend you continue eating then and encourage others to do so, therefore ensuring I will always been in work
Comment from William McCamment
Time: March 22, 2008, 7:38 pm
Claire–
If you can’t get Cocoa Comets you could also try heroin. I heard that’s pretty good too!
Haha! I can’t believe I actually typed that. Just kidding of course.
Comment from Lord Likely
Time: March 24, 2008, 2:46 pm
I know precisely which cereals will kill you.
Cereal killers!
Hahahaha!
Excuse me, now. I fear I have embarrassed myself terribly.
Comment from William McCamment
Time: March 24, 2008, 7:16 pm
Lord Likely–
Cereal killers? Hmm, where were you in 1888? It wasn’t Whitechapel, was it?
Comment from Chelle
Time: March 24, 2008, 9:36 pm
I really appreciate your quick & easy leave a comment system! Saying your site is awesome probably sounds cheezy, but I’m really impressed. Glad I dropped by & I will have to save this one to check out again!
Comment from William McCamment
Time: March 25, 2008, 1:21 am
Chelle–
Thanks for the compliment. Come back anytime!
Comment from Claire
Time: March 25, 2008, 7:02 am
I went out and bought some smack from a local hoodie, I sold my granny to get some. My life is now in a downward spiral of doom and I blame you!
Comment from William McCamment
Time: March 25, 2008, 8:28 am
Claire–
I said I was kidding! Now I feel bad for ruining your life.
Comment from .45
Time: March 27, 2008, 6:11 pm
I’m afraid I’ve already gateway’d to Marshmallow Magic.
Comment from Kerrie
Time: June 4, 2008, 9:56 pm
Thanks for the free marketing of our Cocoa Comets! I’ll be sure to include you as an example when customers ask me how they are.
Kerrie
Stater Bros. HR
William McCamment reply on June 5th, 2008 4:31 am:
Haha! Seriously?
The truth is, I absolutely LOVE this cereal! In the two months since I originally wrote the above blog post, I’ve gone through AT LEAST five boxes!
[Reply to this comment]