After thousands of years playing tricks to steal mens souls, the Devil–in cooperation with Taco Bell Restaurants–has invented a taco so highly addictive that the caverns of hell are literally bursting with corpses.
I am, of course, referring to the Volcano Taco.
Seasoned beef, cheese and lettuce topped with a cheesy lava sauce so spicy that they are required-by-law* to be encased in a bright red taco shell.
Originally slated to be a temporary menu item, the Volcano Taco proved to be so popular with wandering hordes of zombie-like fast food aficionados scraping their fingernails on the locked glass doors every morning that Taco Bell was forced to permanently add it to the menu.
But, not before a whimsical corporate decision that nearly ended in Armageddon.
The Great Lava Sauce Famine of 2008
In the late-summer of 2008, word leaked out that Taco Bell would be discontinuing the Volcano Taco for good, and with it, the precious, life-sustaining Lava Sauce.
This proved to be much more than any moderately-trained taco enthusiast could handle, so they all started breaking things.
Finally, someone–probably a college graduate of some sort–came up with the idea of duplicating the Lava Sauce. If only they could discover the recipe! Soon, illegal cheese labs began springing up all across America with sole intention of creating an acceptable substitute.
They began with the most logical composition; one part lava, one part sauce
Results: Unacceptable. Vaporizes flesh off face. Irreversibly etches jawbone.
Conclusion: Try something less corrosive.
Lab Notes: Keep fire extinguisher within easy reach of volunteer test subject.
A Legitimate Non-Comical Recipe for Taco Bell Lava Sauce
And, now for the big finish. Two of my alert readers, haddubabe and Kendall, have revealed that sauce-related scientists at TopSecretRecipies.com have come up with an acceptable substitute for Taco Bell Lava Sauce. They require you to pay for the full recipe; however, they do give you a portion of the recipe for free and having purchased the full text myself, I can tell you they reveal the most interesting of the ingredients in that free section.
Why am I sending you over to look at it at TSR instead of just listing the ingredients here? Because they make you accept a non-disclosure agreement in order to protect the recipe in which they scraped from someone else. Can you believe it?
Anyway, to all you Volcano Taco lovers out there, I hope I’ve helped to end your desperate journey to find the illusive Lava Sauce recipe.
Related Dead Rooster Articles Featuring Taco Bell Lava Sauce:
Volcano Tacos Discontinued: Facing Life Without Lava Sauce
Volcano Tacos: The Active Ingredient in the 100-Yard Dash
*OK, so I made up the “required-by-law” part, and probably the notion that the Devil was involved.
**Photo credit: Frenkieb