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I would be a much more prolific blogger if I didn’t own cats. Of course, a catless world would be nearly impossible for me since I have always had a cat and wouldn’t know how to function without one. But, these cats are absolutely brutal on me in the morning.

I wake up early, usually about 4:00 am, put on the coffee and let the cats in from the garage before they knock the door down. I sit down at the computer and begin to type. My calico cat “Cookie” jumps up on my lap, fixes her claws into my leg, purrs and drools. After a few minutes she realizes I’m typing which is her queue to attack my fingers. I stop typing because it is just impossible. I watch her type for a few minutes while I’m waiting for the coffee.

I check to see what she has written and, although it is substantial, it is not good enough to add to my blog.

Around 4:15 the coffee is done, so I push Cookie off my lap and pour a cup.

I sit back down at the computer and begin to type. My big fat orange cat, Punky, starts sharpening his claws on the fancy area rug, “Punk! Knock that off!” I yell. He howls back at me in disrespect then demands to be let outside. I jump up and let him out right away because at least now one of them will be out of my hair.

Again, I start typing. Cookie wants out. This is great news because she is the worst when it comes to working my nerves. I let her out and Punky runs back in. Now, I know if I pick him up and throw him out Cookie will run back in and everything will become much worse, so I just let Punky run-off into the dark part of the house and try to forget about him.

It is now about 5:00 am and nothing has been written.

Cookie wants back in. I can’t just leave her out because then she will start climbing the screens to get my attention. So, I let her in.

Now the fun begins.

The cats start chasing each other through the house at top speed—periodically stopping to hunch-up in a “Halloween Cat” pose at each other. Pretty soon it gets so bad with them scrambling all over the furniture that I’m forced to chase after them with a squirt-gun and blast them into submission.

Another hour slips by and the inspiration to write has taken a detour. Even though my favorite time to write is first thing in the morning, I usually wind-up postponing it until after breakfast. At least, by this time, the cats have settled down.

Going through all this every morning makes me wonder what kinds of illegal drugs you’d have to abuse in order to come up with the new game show set to air on GSN November 15th called, Think Like a Cat: The Meow Mix Game Show.

The show—which I swear on Dave Barry’s grave I am not making up—will highlight humans and cats competing for a chance to win $1 million dollars and $100,000 for their favorite cat-related charity. The show will also feature—get this—interactive challenges in which “cats and humans must work together to succeed.”

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to watch this just for the gore. Can you imagine trying to “work together” with your cat on stage when the live audience erupts into applause? If your cat is anything like mine, this will instantly transform it into a highly-effective runaway buzz-saw.

Hey! I just got a great idea for a drinking game: every time the host (Chuck Woolery) runs away screaming, “Not in the face!” you have to do a shot of tequila.