My Cat Punky is a Kleptomaniac
My cat Punky brings me gifts at least twice a week. He’s been doing this for several years and, even though the gifts are usually trinkets from neighborhood garbage cans or incomplete grasshoppers, I appreciate the thought.
It started with pine cones. Every few days I’d find a pine cone on the mat outside the back door. At first, I didn’t even realize Punky was doing it, I thought the pine cones were somehow rolling there after dropping from the tree. That was until I actually saw him trotting across the backyard with one in his mouth.
But, lately, he’s been getting more and more sophisticated. Now he’s starting to bring useful items; stuff he’s ripped-off from my neighbors yards or possibly right out of their houses. He’s brought the head of a Barbie Doll, a stuffed unicorn, a keychain (no keys, thank God), a bag of golf tees and a full-sized paint brush—the type used for painting trim with the paint on the bristles still wet.
This morning he showed up with a fresh, unopened bag of Cheetos.
It’s only a matter of time before he brings a severed hand and implicates me in a murder case.
Dead Rooster is the online home of 
I’m not sure what’s funniest, you, your cat’s antics, or the photo. I’m in love with this cat–well you’re writing too. I’m glad you tweeted it and though I have no idea how I came to follow you, follow you I will if you promise more funny, bright writing.
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William McCamment
reply on October 13th, 2009 10:28 am:
Thanks for the kind words; I really appreciate that!
Aside from the kleptomania and his periodic need to wake me up at 3:00 am, he’s been a pretty good cat. Very sociable.
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Maybe he’s just a hoarder… You know how old ladies collect cats? Cats can’t collect old ladies, so they go for the next-closest old lady kinda thing they can get their paws on… Clutter.
Soon you’ll be up to your tailfeathers in Precious Moments figurines and Beanie Babies. Mark my words.
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William McCamment
reply on October 13th, 2009 10:29 am:
He seems to have a predilection for dead things.
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Punky is trying to take care of you. Until you are able to catch and eat dead mice on your own. He is almost at the end of his rope waiting for you to learn.
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William McCamment
reply on October 13th, 2009 4:33 pm:
Those darn mice are just too fast for me! LOL
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head of a Barbie Doll…
…How exactly is that an useful item?
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William McCamment
reply on October 13th, 2009 4:34 pm:
Well, what do YOU use when you perform a twisted, Barbie oriented finger-puppet show?
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I’d say Punky is keeping those Cheetos for himself. I’d say he’s decided if you can’t catch mice to keep yourself going, he’ll resort to a diet of junk food waiting for you to die and your corpse to be available for consumption. Cats are very practical creatures. I suspect mine are tasting me for ripeness when they lick me…my husband thinks it’s an affection thing. He doesn’t know ‘em like I do.
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William McCamment
reply on October 16th, 2009 4:24 am:
Cats are inherently diabolical.
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I love cats that bring me Cheetos!
Karen : “…my husband thinks it’s an affection thing.
He doesn’t know ‘em like I do.”
Hilarious and Cute!!
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William McCamment
reply on October 16th, 2009 4:27 am:
Me too! If he brought me Cheetos every day, I’d have a whole different outlook on cat ownership.
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Nice. Any ideas on how I should train my kitty to bring me useful stuff? Cheetohs? Yes. Severed heads? Um, no. Money? Yes. Dead moles or armadillos? Yes (to prove his worthiness)!
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William McCamment
reply on October 16th, 2009 4:28 am:
Well, if he was bringing me money, I’d be keeping this whole story to myself!
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Ah. Aren’t cats just great? Mine likes to bring me partially chewed mouse corpses. How lovely. Like he’s pitching in, helping to support the family. If he really wanted to support the family, he’d go out and get a job for christ sake. How hard would it be? “Nimble hunter gatherer, seeks steady employment as mouse catcher or foot warmer. Will work for tuna. Has own claws.”
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William McCamment
reply on October 16th, 2009 4:31 am:
Punky used to bring me half-chewed lizard corpses, but that was years ago; he’s finally rid the yard of all lizards. I doubt he would go get a job though, he’s WAY too lazy. Most of the time he sleeps.
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That last image is in desperate need for a caption. Something like “Yay! Cheeetooooos!”.
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William McCamment
reply on October 18th, 2009 5:20 pm:
I think that’s EXACTLY what he’s saying right there. LOL
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Maybe you should let him loose in Subway or McDonalds and see what he brings back then. Maybe he’ll save you the toy out of his Kids Meal. There’s all kinds of useful stuff in those, especially if you have any McGyver tendencies.
The only things our cats bring up is mice, moles, crayfish, squirrels (only the tail is left) and birds. In other words anything that they can catch, they bring us the leftovers. If only we could learn to appreciate their generosity, we could save a bundle on groceries.
I would much prefer that they learn to steal Cheetos. Does Plunky give lessons?
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That’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day thank you!
You’ve been discovered on Stumble!
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That’s hilarious…your cat is awesome. He feels he should pay you for taking care of him…lucky for you. My dog thinks he is the king of the world.
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LOL it was very funny I enjoyed it
thanks for sharing you make my day …I will keep visiting this blog very often.You’re site cracks me up. I love this story. You are very talented with your writing.
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Sadly, my Penny only ever brings me empty packets of crisps. But when she does she likes to tell me … by howling extremely loudly. I’m sure she’s telling everyone how good she is at catching things.
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