I Lost 5 Pounds on the Near-Death Flu Diet!

by William McCamment on September 24, 2009

Finally, a diet that really works! Just contract a flu virus that produces fire hose style diarrhea while simultaneously denying you—in-between bathroom sessions—the ability to eat so much as an oat molecule.

I have no idea what strain of flu I’ve contracted, but given its imaginative features, the virus could only have been brewed in hell under the collaborative supervision of Vlad the Impaler and Walt Disney.

What’s puzzling to me, though, is that I’ve only lost five pounds.

NOTE: This quick Public Service Announcement was produced to alert my loyal readers as to my whereabouts over the past few days. I am feeling much better and will see you in the next day or two. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

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16 Responses to “I Lost 5 Pounds on the Near-Death Flu Diet!”

Comments

  1. C.B. JonesNo Gravatar says:
    September 24, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    As of 2k6, I get this flu every year just before or after Christmas. Looking forward to the projectile, liquefied stool this year. I wanna see how much my aim has increased.

    Reply to this comment

    William McCammentNo Gravatar reply on September 24th, 2009 3:07 pm:

    I am lucky that I almost NEVER get sick—especially, the flu. The only drawback to that is that I’m just not prepared for how violent the flu can be and it really knocks me on my ass.

    Let’s hope your aim as improved considerably this year. :)

    Reply to this comment

  2. John SullivanNo Gravatar says:
    September 25, 2009 at 6:56 am

    Wow that’s a BUMmer LOL :) I’m scared to death for my kids to get it.
    I haven’t had the flu KNOCK on the screen since hmmm along time but
    it’s scary now huh ? Anyway glad you made it through and I hope it’s
    gone so you can enjoy an awesome weekend :)
    thanks
    My boy Blogger Bill stumbled you

    Reply to this comment

    William McCammentNo Gravatar reply on September 25th, 2009 3:23 pm:

    Thanks, John!

    I’m feeling much better. :)

    Reply to this comment

  3. ettaroseNo Gravatar says:
    September 25, 2009 at 7:51 am

    Poor sugar. The worst thing is the sore bum afterwords eh? Tell your Queen I accept her reign as Queen and I will still be the Princess. She sounds pretty cool, is she the “one”? Hope you feel better!

    Reply to this comment

    William McCammentNo Gravatar reply on September 25th, 2009 3:25 pm:

    Thanks, ettarose! :)

    My Queen has read your comment already, but refuses to add one herself due to the “grossness” of this post. LOL :)

    Reply to this comment

  4. MadMadMargoNo Gravatar says:
    September 29, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    I haven’t had the flu in over 25 years, but if I could lose 5 pounds or maybe ten, I’m all for it. Breathe this way, would ya?

    Reply to this comment

    William McCammentNo Gravatar reply on September 30th, 2009 3:54 am:

    It was definitely NOT worth losing 5 pounds, but if you’re interested in sacrificing your health to lose weight, just go down to Tijuana, Mexico and order yourself a nice glass of ice-water.

    My brother claims to have lost 30 pounds doing that. :)

    Reply to this comment

  5. Relax MaxNo Gravatar says:
    September 29, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    I’m sorry you had to get the flu to lose 5 pounds. That sucks. But I do recommend the jalapeno diet. You still lose th 5 pounds (or even more if you have the stomach for it) but without all the unfortunate throwing up. You don’t even have to cut back on eating, actually. Just pile jalapenos on everything you eat. This is not a joke. Yes it is. Maybe. Glad you are feeling better, though.

    Reply to this comment

    William McCammentNo Gravatar reply on September 30th, 2009 3:57 am:

    Thanks, Max!

    The jalapeno diet doesn’t work on me; I already throw jalapenos on just about everything already. I love ‘em! :)

    Reply to this comment

  6. HarlemNo Gravatar says:
    September 30, 2009 at 10:01 am

    I am sorry you got the flu, but your take on it was hilarious. Keep up the great work!

    Reply to this comment

    William McCammentNo Gravatar reply on September 30th, 2009 1:05 pm:

    Thanks, Harlem! :)

    I appreciate that!

    Reply to this comment

  7. Jenn ThorsonNo Gravatar says:
    September 30, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    Oh no, I had this flu in August– it was hell on wheels. I’m so sorry you got hit with it!

    Reply to this comment

    William McCammentNo Gravatar reply on September 30th, 2009 12:54 pm:

    I’m sorry you had to experience this monster too, Jenn!

    So horrible! I’m beginning to think it wasn’t the flu after all, but an ancient Egyptian curse! I think I saw a mummy wearing cowboy boots scuttle past my bedroom door. :)

    Reply to this comment

  8. timethiefNo Gravatar says:
    October 4, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    I’m happy to hear you are recovering. I get a flu shot every year and haven’t had the flu for 20 years. It’s been so long that it’s hard to recall but you did a good job of providing a description that tweaked my memory.

    Reply to this comment

    William McCammentNo Gravatar reply on October 5th, 2009 4:35 am:

    This is the first time I’ve had the flu in quite a while. I really should consider getting a flu shot every year too, but needles hurt. :)

    Reply to this comment

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