Hot Blonde Reveals Cruel Method to Increase Blog Traffic
Photo credit: Dario
There comes a time in every young bloggers life when pure, wholesome thoughts eventually turn to blog traffic. When this happens, the traffic libido becomes engorged, sometimes ballooning to the size of a transport helicopter, which causes the newbie blogger to send emails to well-known experts—people that know how to get blog traffic—and ask them for tips on how to get more visitors to their site.
When they get no response, they start sending them to me.
Three or four times a month I get emails from new bloggers asking me the best way to start getting blog traffic. I usually give them the standard methods I used to get Dead Rooster off the ground: sign up for social blogging networks like BlogCatalog and MyBlogLog; get an entrecard; submit your site to several blog indexes such as blogflux, topblogging, etc., or, if you are a humor oriented blog, humor-blogs is an absolute must; and, of course, digg, reddit, stumbleupon, etc. But, there’s one special method that I have never revealed to anyone until now.
If this is your first visit to my blog, the very fact that you are reading this right now is probably due in some part to this insidious recipe. In the limited, extremely non-scientific tests I have conducted, it delivers anywhere from five to thirty-five times the normal blog traffic.
So, what’s this cruel active ingredient?
It was revealed to me one magical night in Las Vegas by the hottest blonde I have ever laid eyes on; she was sleek and sexy and when she walked into the casino all the slot-machines began paying off. Stunning though she was, I was able to remain steady and suppress the urge to blurt out something clever. But then she sat down next to me at the bar, ordered something called a “Throbbing Rooster” and the screen on my iPhone shattered.
She turned to me and smiled.
After a bit of small talk she boldly asked me if I was up for something kinky. I said, “Sure, anything, just as long as it doesn’t involve animals or electricity…”
I was surprised to see she was genuinely disappointed by my response. She explained it was unfortunate I felt that way, and that she merely wanted to show me how her hamster wheel generated enough energy to power her toaster. “We could’ve made perfect toast,” she said as she got up to leave, then she further crushed my spirits by adding, “toast that could later be used for making love.”
BOING! Haha! Alright, I admit it: none of that ever happened. But, don’t think I would’ve let you off the hook so quickly if I could’ve come up with a believable—but not too repulsive—way toast could be used during sex. But, the point of this article isn’t to tempt you with hamster wheels and toast; it’s to reveal some rather diabolical ways to get some extra traffic to your blog. Here are five methods. Warning: the first is kind of evil:
1. Use a photo of a hot babe for your avatar on social sites—possibly a hot blonde. This is the easiest, yet “cruelest” method because, even if you are an old, fat, bald guy named Frank who often surfs the net while wearing nothing but a urine-soaked adult diaper, you will still get tons of pulsating young gentlemen clicking thru to see your blog. Although I don’t utilize this idea myself, I know it works because—and I admit this only in the name of science—I have personally been tricked by this method over one million times.
2. Write a ten-word compelling title for your blog post. Why ten words? Because Google considers the first ten words of your post-title when indexing your article. If you use less than ten you could be short-changing yourself and if you use more than ten you are not getting index credit for all your keywords. Of course, sometimes you will have to go with eight or nine words for your title to make sense, but you should always try to get as close to ten as you can while trying not to go over. (Note: this does not mean you should pad it with a bunch of non-keyword-style adjectives just to try and stretch it out! If you can’t fit some kind of substantial keyword in there then don’t worry about it.)
More importantly—and I sometimes wonder what is wrong with some bloggers—make sure you construct a title that sounds interesting enough for someone to want to click and visit your site! If I would have used, “How to get extra blog traffic” as the title of this post, I probably would have still got some okay traffic, but I GUARANTEE it would not have been half as much as I’m getting with the current title. So, why not take a few extra minutes and come up with something tempting?
3. Occasionally write long posts of between 600 and 900 words. This helps by the simple fact that, if there are more words, there will be a better chance something in your article will match something that someone typed into a search engine. It’s a simple matter of statistics: more words, more chances. (note: this post tops-out at over 1,100 words which is way too long).
4. Encourage comments on your blog posts. Most bloggers already do this, but some don’t, and they are shooting themselves in the foot. I get search engine traffic all the time from keywords found only in comments left by others.
5. My final word of advice is to help your fellow bloggers. I have met a bunch of great people online that author some great blogs and I try to submit and promote their posts as much as I can. In turn, they do the same for me. For the most part, we don’t even have to ask each other, we just do it. And, believe me, it feels like a special gift every time your hit-counter explodes 1,000 points in a matter of two minutes because someone was nice enough to submit your post to Stumbleupon, Digg, or Reddit. I’m sure you can think of a fellow blogger that needs a traffic boost—why not surprise them with the gift of traffic? (If you know of no one, you could always surprise me—I won’t mind. Hehe!).
So, there you have it. I admit I was, at first, a bit tricky with this blog post, but I haven’t written anything really good lately and my traffic has been suffering, so I thought I’d give my blog a little boost.
Thanks for stopping by!
Dead Rooster is the online home of 
What an extremely cruel article. Where is the hot blonde babe?
Loved the way you hooked me and reeled me in, and I agree with everything you’ve said having experimented with them all. Well done.
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@Carl,
Thanks! Coming from an actual SEO guy like yourself I take that as a real compliment. I am constantly surrounded by hot blonde babes such as the one in the article; unfortunately, again like the one in the article, they are mostly fictional.
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Nothing good lately? But… but… zombie chickens? What of the zombie chickens? Do they not get the credit they deserve? (shakes head).
PS- I think you should try the Hot Blonde Babe technique on BlogCatalog. It will confuse everyone and much humor will ensue.
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@Jenn,
Zombie Chickens! Oh, yes, we will always have the zombie chickens.
The Blonde Babe Technique: I’m not really at the point where I need to resort to such trickery. Not yet anyway.
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William:
Great post. Your technique of hooking the reader with a good story is
classic and time-tested.
By the way, your line “she was sleek and sexy and when she walked into the casino all the slot-machines began paying off” provoked hysterical laughter!
The name of my blog, by the way, is Traffic Nymphomaniac
So, “if you can’t get enough and are never satisfied”, pay me a visit!
R. A. Kearse
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@R.A. K.
Thanks!
Great name for a blog, by the way. Haha!
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will you supply hot blonde pics for those who want to try it?
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@Debbie Lane,
Debbie, I’ve seen your photo with that big beautiful smile of yours–believe me, it’s plenty hot!
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you rock !!! Loved the article.
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@dani,
Thanks! You rock too!
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Or you could of just doodled something
/me sighs
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@Claire,
I’m sorry I didn’t participate in your doodles. I tried, but I just kept doing it over and over and over…
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I find word of mouth is a great way to get traffic. If I can get enough people to reiterate the following statement about my site; “It’s funny. And amusing. Kind of like spying on your neighbor and catching them in the act of murdering a clown. THAT is the kind of funny and amusing I’m talking about at Krapsody.” ….Then I’ve won the game.
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@Static,
Yeah…neighbors…I think all those clown shoes in your garbage can is starting to make sense to me now.
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Hey William…..Yup I know someone that could do with a traffic boost *wink*wink* and you never know how you will be rewarded..maybe that hot blonde will come past – oh woops thats not real, ah ok well u might get a traffic boost back
hahah
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Wow! I learned a lot with this post… I’ll go and change my post titles!
Thanks!
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i’m changing my avatar the moment i’m done typing, if only i had known the soiled diaper look was out
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The “hot blond” comment is so true. I switched my avatar about 7 weeks ago and my traffic increased about 5 times from what I was getting before the hot blond entered my world!
I am not too shabby myself but I am brunette – so the saga goes – Ginger or Maryanne??? Even though neither were blond – maybe Mrs. Howell was the one everyone longed for
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Great post……..thanks for the advice, hopefully this will help
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That was a pretty tight method I’ll stumble ya a few times as I take the hook out of my mouth
Awesome work see ya back on Blogcatalog 
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I’m such a freakin’ sucker! I was hooked on that story like it was phonics. I also got caught up in that photo. It put me on a mental tangent wherein I started recalling how lipstick was first used by prostitutes to attract johns. The enhancing of lip color is a trick on the male psyche that suggests a flush and healthy *something else*. Of course, the *something else* was never likely to be that healthy. Today lipstick is taken for granted, but I can attest that the psychological implications still hold. Just thought I’d share that.
Re: Advice. It may seem obvious, but your list is missing: “Write something worth reading.” That’s the one I’m shooting for. To dream.
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Sex appeal sells almost anything to include blogs. Got here and your post post has some helpful hints.
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@Jane: Remember, the more hot blondes you reward me with, the more traffic you will recieve.
@Harriette: Thanks! Glad I could be of service!
@thebigandyt: Hopefuly, your current avatar isn’t of a urine-soaked adult diaper.
@Shelley: Proof positive that it really works! Thanks for the confirmation!
@Sebastian: You’re welcome
@John Sulivan: Thanks! See you there!
@.45: Thanks for the info, and, yes, the MOST important thing is to write something worth reading. That is #1
@Bob: Thank you!
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You know – You had me all psyched to see the rest of the person that went with those lips. Then I read the article and found a bunch of things that were real important to my blogging future. Thanks for the good ole bait and sitch – it worked well!
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@Benny,
Thanks! I guess I was being a little cruel using those luscious lips, but at least I don’t use a hottie for my avatar…yet.
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I will have to check out the humor blogs directory, I hadn’t heard of that one before! You are so very right about sex selling – on my itmightbelove.com blog most of my search engine traffic comes from people looking for sex! Sadly I don’t think I have what they are looking for!
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@Chelle,
The Humor Blogs Directory is a must if you write a humor blog. I have a link at the top of my sidebar under where it says, “Want Funny?” Click on that and it will not only take you to the directory, but it also gives me a mild electric shock…and, I LOVE it!
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Haha…this was an awesome post. It’s true, too. People are always surprising me by giving me a Stumble or a review… It feels like freakin Christmas when I find out about it. Anywho, I’m off to Stumble someone… and maybe grab a snack. In what order? I don’t know.
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@Jillian,
StumbleUpon is great! I still get traffic from stumbles months after they were first submitted. I know you’ve stumbled my stuff before–I really appreciate it! Thanks!
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Great advice! I like cruel blondes, and I also like blog traffic.
My blog is about heavy metal albums and horror films. These are not to everyone’s taste, so I fill out my posts with hot blondes and other sexy ladies.
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@Garg,
Cruel Blondes and Blog Traffic, what more could any man want!
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I am going to try the hot blond thing in the near future.
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@PunkJohnnyCash,
One must try as many hot blondes as possible.
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Nice article dude. Keep it up. I mean keep up the good work. Not… ah ha… you know. I’ll be back for more. Writing! Articles! Not… jesus christ. What’s wrong with me? Must have been the lips and the teeth and the glaven…
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@John Painz,
Haha! You SERIOUSLY made me laugh with the “glaven”.
Hoyven mayven!
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pointlessbanter.net is a GREAT blog…it was also mentioned on the CNN report..ive read his blogs before his site took off and he was a myspace loser like myself
also dooce.com is a great site I’m hooked now on her blog…
Now I’ve found this one via CNN and Im going to browse previous post and if im interested you got another reader via CNN
-Marcie
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@Marcie,
Those are great blogs! I’ve been reading Kevin’s blog for quite a while as well and was happy to see him featured on CNN with Dead Rooster.
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I never thought of using a hot chick as an avatar. It’s gotten me a few times too, I must admit. I will have to try the ten word post title idea. I always thought that was a bit too long, but never really gave it a shot. Thanks for the great info
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@mikey777,
It doesn’t HAVE to be exactly 10 words, but Google starts to ignore anything longer. As long as you have all the targeted keywords in your title, it’s long enough. It’s always good to make the title interesting though because sometimes that’s all that someone sees before deciding to visit your blog or not.
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The Blonde avatar… nice idea
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@Blaze,
Yes, it is a nice idea–but, cruel.
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“even if you are an old, fat, bald guy named Frank who often surfs the net while wearing nothing but a urine-soaked adult diaper, you will still get tons of pulsating young gentlemen clicking thru”
Gave me a good laugh, but it’s true. ty for the cruel advice.
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@zawadi,
You are welcome to the advice, but don’t be TOO cruel with it. Haha!
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FUnny but helpful!
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@Me,
Perfect! That’s what I was shooting for!
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I know what you say is true. I haven’t been blogging long, but I am trying to find my voice and am having a hard time making headlines and descriptions catchy. But I know practice helps.
Kelli
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William McCamment
reply on October 14th, 2008 4:28 am:
Practice makes perfect!
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This is a nice read. I’m now thinking of having a hot lady for my avatar.
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William McCamment
reply on October 14th, 2008 4:29 am:
Give it a try–I’ll bet it increases your traffic by a large percentage.
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I hope this is meant to be funny and not to be taken seriously
thanks for submitting this post to the best three blog posts competition!
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William McCamment
reply on October 14th, 2008 4:29 am:
It is meant to be funny AND taken seriously!
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Interesting article. Didn’t know about manipulating the post title. I just went short and straightforward. Gotta do some tweaking and more thinking in the future. As you know, I recently changed my BC avatar but that was because I hated the other one. Maybe I’ll get more perv traffic, but, maybe not since my daughter is also in the pic. Love your humor here and at BC. So what am I supposed to call you? William, Will, Bill, or Dead Rooster? (my dad and brother are both Williams, guess it’s a good name to have)
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William McCamment
reply on February 14th, 2009 6:39 pm:
Thanks Liz!
Most people call me William or Rooster.
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Haha. It’s funny because it’s true. Shamelessly I am going to try that on a test blog…not that I “ever” fell for it
Great article Rooster
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