DeadRooster.com

I’d like to thank the academy…

Whoa! Wait a minute; someone replaced my Oscar Statues with Arte Y Pico awards! What’s going on here? And, not only that! They got chocolate in my peanut butter!

These Picos are marked! They’re a mess—a CHOCOLATE mess!

OK, it turns out that Dead Rooster really has been awarded two Arte Y Pico awards. The Pico is given to blogs “…for their creativity, design, interesting material, etc and also for contributing to the blogging community…” or bloggers “…who inspire others with their creativity and their talents, also for contributing to the blogging world in whatever medium…”

Notice that it says nothing about irreversibly damaging the minds of the world’s youth or that reading Dead Rooster can cause uncontrollable spontaneous diarrhea (See, mom! I told you it didn’t do it to EVERYBODY that reads it). In fact, the Pico award is something a blogger could really be proud of!

I am greatly honored to accept these awards and want to thank the two generous bloggers that issued them to me:

Adopted Jane
Zeitheist

Now, according to the rules, I am supposed to “show the link of Arte Y Pico” and pick five blogs in which I’d “…like to award this honor to.”

But, after doing a little research on this Arte Y Pico, I find out that his award has been given out to (at the time of this writing) 67,750 bloggers! That’s more than SIXTY-SEVEN-THOUSAND links back to his site. It appears that this Arte Y Pico (if that’s his real name) is in reality an Evil Genius with the mother of all link back scams!

Therefore, I am hereby SWIPING his idea by issuing MY OWN award and in the process CUTTING HIM OUT of the deal completely! Sixty-seven-thousand links is enough you greedy bastard!

The Dead Rooster Award for DIABOLICAL GREATNESS in the field of blogging.

OK, in the maiden voyage of this new award, I want to start it off with a bang by LETTING YOU ALL AWARD YOURSELF THIS AWARD! Yes, that’s right, if you are reading this right now, and you have a blog, you have just WON a Dead Rooster Diabolical Greatness Award!

[Be sure to copy the following rules into your blog post announcing your award]

Here are the rules:

1) Pick AS MANY BLOGS AS YOU LIKE that you would like to award this honor to.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link to DEAD ROOSTER, so everyone will know the origin of this award: www.deadrooster.com

Here are the blogs I am awarding this to:

[links to blogs you are giving this award to go here]

Have fun! And, CONGRATULATIONS!

I am irresistible to hot, young, horny women. I learned this last night while I was setting up Dead Rooster’s new MySpace page. Before I knew it I had invitations from four incredibly hot girls wanting to be my friend, because—you know—super hot girls have nothing better to do on a Saturday night than sit at home with a computer and desperately search for The Dead Rooster MySpace page.

One of them, calling herself Tina, referred to me as “Sweetie,” and just wanted to let me know there was a devastating wardrobe malfunction in the hot tub while splashing around with her girlfriends. Somehow, they all wound-up naked, and since they were wet, had to dry themselves off by jumping up-and-down on a trampoline in slow-motion. The whole thing was mysteriously caught on camera and I should watch the video right away before Tina’s dad finds out and spanks her raw with a cat o’ nine tails (I’m guessing that will be tomorrow’s video).

I delete these types of friend requests right away because, as I’ve explained in the past, I know it’s really some overly-sweaty bald guy named Frank who probably doesn’t even have a hot tub or a trampoline.

So, I unchecked the “Dating” and “Serious Relationship” boxes and haven’t had another “friend request” since. In fact, as I write this, the only friend I’ve got on there is “Tom,” the dopey generic friend they automatically give everyone when they sign-up (hmm, maybe Tom is actually a hot, young, horny woman).

Visit The Dead Rooster MySpace Page

So, I’m wandering around the internet, checking out my blogroll, when I came across a post by my good friend, Don Lewis. Apparently, his heart is still filled with joy from a few months ago when I lovingly tagged him with a “meme.”

For those that don’t know, a “meme” is the blog version of a chain letter. Most bloggers, such as Don, absolutely love them and no matter how many times you tag them, can’t seem to get enough of them. I, on the other hand, am not too fond of them and try to avoid them as much as possible—actually, to be more precise: I hate them.

Anyway, I’m surfing along and see that I have been tagged by Don and I immediately say out loud, “A two-pronged barbeque fork, right in the eye!” I don’t know why I said those exact words; it doesn’t even make a whole lot of sense, except that it probably communicates, better than anything else I could come up with, my exact sentiments toward blog memes.

Since Don is such a good friend of mine, and since I did tag him with one once, I feel obligated to do this just one more time. I will NOT be passing it on though. I just refuse to promote these horrible things any more.

Here are the rules (which will apply to no one, since I am not passing this vile memerick on):

• Link the person(s) who tagged you
• Mention the rules on your blog
• Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours
• Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them [*Note: I am not doing this]
• Leave a comment on each of the tagged bloggers’ blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged [*Note: since I’m not following the previous rule, it doesn’t make sense to follow this one either]

Here are six unspectacular quirks of mine:

1. I hate meme tags. I hate these things more than I hate Captain Trips.
2. I want to kill Don Lewis. I’ve always wanted to kill him, but now that he has tagged me, all systems go!
3. I believe meme tags are the work of the same infant-sacrificing, devil worshiping cult that invented Good & Plenty Candies.
4. I love fluffy kittens. There is almost nothing I’d rather do than play with kittens—except maybe kill Don Lewis.
5. I am mechanically inclined, but hate working on anything mechanical. I am about to replace the “Clutch Release Cylinder” on my truck. I am dreading it, but I am not going to pay an illiterate chimpanzee ten times the cost of the part to turn two bolts—and, probably do it wrong.
6. I don’t sleep. Haha! Sleep is for losers. I get maybe five-hours on a good night. Maybe.

Ok, maybe I went a little over-the-top with the “Kill Don” stuff. Actually, he is probably the funniest guy on the internet and all-of-you should pay a visit to his blog. Don was the first guy to acknowledge me as a humor blogger and did a nice little write-up when I was just starting out. That really meant a lot to me.

I’ve contemplated the idea of someday meeting him in person, but am terrified that I might literally die of laughter. I’m SERIOUS! Sometimes, even his short comments and message-board posts are so funny I need oxygen. So, you can imagine how funny his blog posts are.

His blog is called, It’s a Funny Thing. Give him a visit and tell him I said, “Hello.” He’ll probably know what it means… It means, hello, but maybe he’ll mistakenly read something sinister into it.