DeadRooster.com

People see me with beautiful women all the time and wonder: how is this crazy, old– but, admittedly, pretty incredibly hot – man able to consistently land such foxy young starlets? What’s his secret?

Well, guys, it’s easier than you might think and I’m about to reveal it to you right now. At the same time, I’m going to get every woman that reads today’s post hotter than the freshly-cooked buttermilk waffles I just pulled from the iron. (Incidentally: the waffles were created using batter I made from scratch.)

I’ve decided that the best way to reveal my method is to simply seduce my female readers, right here, right now, and allow the guys out there see me in action. Take notes fellas – here goes:

Baby, I want to clean your toilets. I want to clean them so bad it hurts. I want to scrub and scrub and use INDUSTIAL STRENGTH cleansers!

You’re starting to like me, aren’t you…

Take me to your refrigerator! Yeah, that’s right; I’m throwing out ALL the old mayonnaise! I’m throwing out that pickle jar that’s been in there since 2005 and contains only juice… I’m going to clear everything out and make sure I disinfect every exposed surface before I put everything back in a neat and orderly fashion… and, get this: I’m going to put the drawers in the right way so they won’t get stuck when you try to slide them!

Oh, we’re just getting started, sweetheart…

I’m gonna’ do your laundry. Oh, yes, the laundry! AND I AM NOT GOING TO SHRINK YOUR FAVORITE SWEATER! I’ll be using only the manufacturers recommended detergents and fabric softeners! Are you HOT yet, baby? I know you gotta be gettin’ hot!

I’m going to dust your furniture!
I’m going to vacuum your carpets!
I’m going to remove the dead rodent from your basement BEFORE it turns to dust…
I’m going to TAKE OUT YOUR TRASH EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT WAY OVER FULL YET!

All right, ladies… Calm down – you’re starting to fog-up the computer screen.

Anyone ready to ride the Rooster Train to Love Land?

(see how it’s done, guys?)

Smiling moon blacked-out by clouds,
Your gentle beams choked by rain,
No amount of conjuring will bring you back now,
On fragile wings I fall to the mud and cry.

–The Wayward Rooster

Welcome to my last blog post EVER…

…for the year 2008.

Haha! Made you worry there for a minute, didn’t I?

No, we are having WAY too much fun to stop doing this now! Reach for the stars, reader!–you’re being held hostage for at least another year.

It’s going to be difficult to say good-bye to 2008; so many amazing things happened to me. It will be remembered as one of the most interesting years of my life:

• I did battle with a surprisingly crafty black widow spider
• I wrote a blog post funny enough to induce leaky bladders in at least four people
• I proposed to several women and they all said YES
• I wrote a blog post that got more than 50,000 hits and is still climbing
• I was recognized as number 1 in a list of 100 Incredibly Hot Men
• I was on camera during a nationally televised TV show
• I worked behind the scenes on a nationally televised commercial
• My blog was featured on CNN
• I GOT PAID to go to Hawaii for 12 days and work on a movie (post pending)

This blog has been more successful than I ever imagined. It’s hard not to get a swelled head over it. I already mentioned that it was featured on CNN, but it is also highly ranked in the humor section of BlogCatalog and has even made their front page list of most popular blogs a few times.

Not everything has been wonderful regarding my blogging experience though; I recently got up at 3:00 am and sent off a quick, but well-intentioned email to someone I consider one of the most knowledgeable and helpful bloggers on the internet; someone I’ve gotten along with well over the past year. Well, the email—due to some sleepy writing on my part—was misconstrued to suggest that I assumed this blogger was “coming on to me.” (For real!)

At least I didn’t give the impression (I hope) that I was coming on to them; or our friendship, I’m sure, would be OVER.

We both laughed about it after we ironed everything out, but there were some real moments of high-intensity embarrassment going on I can tell you!

It was courageously suggested by the other party that I write a humorous blog post about the incident (keeping the other party anonymous, of course), but, even though I have no problem writing about my own embarrassing escapades, I don’t feel comfortable writing stories when someone else is the chief Knucklehead (yes, you were!) LOL. So, I’m going to leave it at that (but, notice how I’m letting my readers imaginations run wild as to whether I’m referring to a man or a woman…hehe!).

One of the best things about 2008 is that I met lot of really great people—mostly fellow bloggers that gave me some great advice and a lot of laughs. These are the people listed in my blogroll. Every one of them I consider a friend and, believe me, if you are listed in my blogroll you should feel special; I don’t list just anyone in there, you know.

I was going to list a few of the bloggers that really stood out, but then I’d forget someone and hurt their feelings, so I’ve decided to start doing blog reviews in 2009 and take them on one at a time.

OK, I’ve spewed enough for one year. Thanks 2008, you were great!

I used to think that eating sushi was mainly a novelty. In other words, people didn’t eat it because they liked the taste; they ate it because it was a way to show off: “Look at me; I’m actually eating raw squid! I am so powerful! Do as I say or I’ll shake these tentacles in your general direction!”

But then I witnessed my friend, Roeland (that’s him in the photo mocking Satan with a piece of freshwater eel). He truly loves sushi—every bite he rolled his eyes in hideous delight. Could it be that this stuff actually tastes good?

I’ve tried sushi before; to me it tastes more like bait than dinner. Yeah, I can eat it, but I’d much rather have a nice, juicy, inadequately cooked, hamburger.

Still, I have to admit, this particular Japanese restaurant, One, in Murrieta, CA, served some of the most beautiful food I’ve ever seen. Every dish was practically a work of art. Even the octopus was dressed up with a fancy seaweed belt accented with a single-drop of hot sauce.

Curiosity finally got the better of me and I had Roeland slice off a sliver of octopus for me to try. It was actually pretty good, but I still prefer less squiggly meals, so I ordered the Mango Chipoltle Chicken (and, by the way, it was delicious!).

Note: This crappy post was mainly just a vehicle for exploiting the photo of Roeland with a piece of eel in his mouth. LOL